We all love the idea of the principled newspaper editor crusading against injustice and shining a light on the dark corners of human behavior. But nowadays editorials are mostly for corporate shilling, muckraking and pompous punditry. Who needs them? But turns out there's a more pressing question: Who needs 250 bucks so he can show off a new pair of Nikes at the shelter?
That would be me, bitch.
The Washington Post is holding a contest a la the Jackass films and offering a small stipend for those willing to go through the self-abuse. Eh, may as well get paid for my masturbation. Since the most acknowledged problem we have today is unemployment I've decided to share what I believe is a unique and saleable solution to the masses, sure to win in a blaze of infamy:
To anyone who's been paying attention over the last few years a punctured hole of seeping unemployment has penetrated America's hull and we need to do something about it lest we all sink. Our industrial base has evaporated, our economic clout eroded and the only thing we seem intent on generating is paper profits skimmed like a mob boss from a casino.
This leaves us with a landscape filled with derivative landmines and no real work left to do (since creating an oil free America is not an option). So how are we going to plug this gaping hole of unemployment? I have an answer for that: kill all black babies.
This solution has many positive aspects:
1. First off, America loves a racist. We don’t vote them into office because we hate them! Like a woman in her Sunday best on Oprah falsely claiming she wants a "sensitive" man, we also like to pretend racism is dead in this post Obama world. But Obama's election proves our continued racism: finding a black man to blame for our problems.
2. Welfare: fixed! We all know Darkies breed like rabbits so they can maximize their welfare checks and luxury options on their Cadillacs. I even asked a black woman her child's name and she said, "Welfare Check!" See, there you go: empirical evidence I just made up, the finest kind of reporting (and oh so hip!).
3. Bloodlust. We ain't the most violent western country for nothin'! Americans just don't feel right less'n we killin' folks. Sooner or later we gonna run out of them Afghans and we'll have to find some other folks that ain't rich, white and greedy.
Now, I'm not some wild-eyed radical looking to eradicate our black brethren all at once and ruin pro sports, the military and the rap community. We just need to stem the flow. Currently, unemployment sits under 10% and the black population at 11%. That gives a 1% buffer for good measure.
I know there are vicious fiends out there who want black children born to roam the streets in hopeless despair as opposed to giving them a quick, humane death. Bastards! And I even had some crazy liberal tell me, "But you're putting profits before people's lives!" Well, duh! This is America, pal, we do that every day.
Of course, I sabotaged it with the word "Darkies" since no paper will print that for fear of being called racist - and also a fear they are in fact racist. But the real truth is we already know what the answers are to our problems, why debate them?
No comments:
Post a Comment