I was walking - wandering - as I'm wont to do with no place to go and no one to do. I hate these moments of lost time feeling out of place, peering into finely manicured homes I can never enter. I tell myself their lives always seem more idyllic from the outside, that their children could be drug addicts and the parents conservative by nature. But then I see a man watering his lawn in peaceful distraction and my house of cards falls to pieces.
In the neighborhood I strolled, all the cars were new with the owners having chosen the colors of their own volition. What's it like dictating a car should be a certain color, I wonder. And yes, though one could smell the money in the houses, the grass was real and the homes of character - no plastic to be seen. I don't want money without personality. If I could pick a place, I'd pick here to live. This gave me an affinity to the inhabitants - one I dare not express, interloper that I be.
What could I say were I invited in for tea? I love tea, I would love a cup, I crave meaningful conversation. But comes a point I need explain myself and that's a retaining wall I can't overcome. What if they see the spark of intelligence in my eyes? What if they say I'm a handsome boy? What if they ask me why I wander alone... I have no answers for me. I keep my shame to myself. Oh yes, I'd like to visit but let me come back when I'm true blue, when I have something to bring to the table. Have I the courage to accept a gift with nothing to return?
I started to turn, to flee before the answer caught up with me - and then She came outside. It was Rachel. Like a laser beam her eyes fixed on me across the road like a lighthouse on a moonless night. Her face broke into an instant smile gushing with delight. My heart pounded to life both scared and elated, and I too smiled wide at the sight of her. She gaily waved her arm to me hello while her other arm was locked into a man who strode with her in obvious unity. He was tall and strong and I was prepared to hate him but he had kind eyes. Never the fool, she.
Rachel and her seeming beau headed off in one of those slick expensive imports to a place that only two can share. I bet he chose the car's color too. My arm dropped as I lost sight of them and my adrenaline rush switched into rivers of pain through my veins. No, I'm not one for whom time should be made. She acknowledged me well in the recognition but my own life I was expected to lead. But I had no life. I wonder how she reasoned my walking by. I had no idea she lived around here. Would she think me a stalker? That's all I needed.
We'd met at the Asian Film Festival and we shared a common passion. We exchanged email addresses and kept in touch, gradually deepening our thoughts and loves and pains. It was never a romantic relationship but we grew connected over the wires and I thought of her during the day, anxious to find something she'd enjoy. While her emails were much anticipated presents, of some things we never spoke. We were like two dancers who met, twirled in rhythm and drove back to separate homes. Little did she know I was stumbling my way unknowingly through the steps, a fraud all along. But the taste of her was irresistible.
But it wasn't until this moment of coincidence I realized the forever wall between us. In that moment I came to see God has no mercy in the making of one's life - as it should be. I withered, revealed before the mirror, feeling exposed on the sunny, swank sidewalk. Have you ever died in suburban, afternoon light for all the world to see? Rooted in despair my legs could not move. I waited for the inevitable thunderbolt from God. One thing I knew for sure: I could dance with her no more. I showed her moves imagined, not lived.
A closing voiced shattered my reverie. "Wow, man, you know that chick? That's one hot babe!"
I turned to see a cocky, young college boy, a soul so far apart from me I barely managed seeing him as a fellow earthling. He was duly impressed by her acknowledgement of me - kudos I did not deserve - but I also saw his uncontainable designs on her as she was one most desirable. Achingly, inwardly begging to flee before this alien creature, I now had the chore of explaining myself. Just fucking great.
"No," I demurred, "not really."
"I don't know, dude. She sure seemed to know you!" Translation: "My horny ass sure does want to meet her!"
"We met once long ago, is all." If I have to stand here one more second I'm going to explode! I moved away in self-preservation.
"She was awfully happy meeting you again!" I would get an observant asshole. "Maybe you could get me an intro sometime."
Bastard wouldn't stop trying to corner me. Why does this kind of shit always happen at the most inopportune time? It's like some sort of siren goes off in the universe announcing a free-for-all on my sorry ass. Run naked through the world, God's gonna strip you and leave you by the roadside anyway. I needed to find some way to get this kid off my back even though I knew I would never again upon pain of death walk this neighborhood.
I wanted to explain to him she was far, far out of his league but I could see his young ego had yet to experience defeat from one such as Rachel. I thought of praising her, explaining she was most certainly worth meeting. I considered giving him the brush off as if I were somebody myself. What popped out was a plea of my own, struggling to free myself from my agony.
"Sorry, man. Guess we each gotta make our own lives on our own."
My pace picked up as I scurried away but I felt his eyes boring into me, doing the one thing I most needed but did not want: examining my life. I tried to clog my ears and misunderstand the wind but still heard: "Dude, that's fucked up."
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