More like the right hand of fraud!
"Dear God, it's me, your faithful servant in the Word. I love you with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul - so you better listen to me!"
God hated prayers that started with a demand - but most did anyway. "Dude, chill!"
"Wickedness has come to the land and I've come to smote Your enemies!"
"You moron, I'm God. What do I need you for to smite My enemies? Only My enemy would do such a thing!"
"Ha! I take it You are jesting with me so I'll conveniently gloss over that statement and stick to my belief I do holy work. But verily I say unto You, godless devils have overrun the land and we must stop them!"
"You're certainly providing me with evidence of that."
Shit! thought the Christian. Was that sarcasm? Can my Maker can see right through me? No, can't be! Not even God can see through me. Whew! "They have come, my Lord. Come to spread poison throughout the land in wild decadence. We must protect the children! Would You not agree?"
God chuckled. As usual, this was a Magic Christian, one who wished to distract with one hand from the speaker's evil while pointing out the alleged faults of others'. Strangely, everyone who used that tactic always thought they were the first and most compelling of all the perpetrators. God knew how to disarm such tactics. "Well, what's stopping you from protecting them?"
"Oh, well, nothing's stopping us, of course. We're doing it, we just need Your help is all because we know You would want to be on our side." Jesus, He almost found out I'm full of shit! But I think talking like the Bible really scores points for me.
"But I'm already on your side."
"Oh...," uttered the Christian involuntarily, disappointed with the knowledge and now with nowhere to go. But God's work is never done.
"I'm on everyone's side. A piece of Me resides in each of you. To be against you would be to be against Myself. I'm trusting you with My life."
So that explains all the fucking guilt! Oops! Sorry God for saying "Fuck"!
Like I give a fuck about that!
Shit! God can't read my mind. I must have imagined that response. But at least I have a way out now! "That's the problem, Sir. Among us are dirty spirits, unclean with the desire to poison our children and legalize drug use. They'd put them in vending machines if they could! We cannot tolerate such sin!"
I don't really believe they'd put them in vending machines but it makes for a great scare tactic. Hee-hee! I'll win God over yet!
"I'm not a sir."
"Oh sorry. It's just that, you know...well, OK, whatever you say, ma'am."
"I'm not a ma'am either!"
"What?" Aw fuck, He's bitching about protocol and not listening to me at all! What a touchy bitch! "Well, what are You then?"
"I am what I am."
I'm not exactly sure where I went wrong. I got my propaganda out like I wanted, but this sure doesn't feel right. I'm sinking here! What do I say? Shit, God, bail me out! This is unbearable! What do You want me to do? Admit I'm full of shit and that my crusading efforts are false and destructive? Fuck man, I'll never get to heaven that way! I can't just come clean, that'd be suicide! Please save me and tell me all pot smokers go to hell!!
That's when the Magic Christian smelled a clue. "Dear God! What's that smell? Smells like - "
"Skunk weed, yes! Hate to sound selfish but I do know where all the best stuff is."
"But that's illegal!" The Christian hoped fear of arrest would get God to repent.
"I'm using this hilarious Bart Simpson bong. Cracks me up every time I use it!"
"Oh my God! God's a stoner!"
"And a Righteous One at that!"
"This must be a nightmare, a trick. The devil is tricking me!"
"Believe what you want. I've always let you do that."
"I don't want to! I want to believe what You want me to believe!"
"I believe I gave you this easily grown ragweed called hemp you could use for everything from clothing to rope to paper. And what do I see? Your sorry asses are cutting down Redwoods instead! I love those Redwoods and they are a special treat for you. There's just no pleasing you fuckers!"
"Oh wait, you don't understand! Legalizing hemp would ruin the timber industry and many other companies. It would collapse the economy and put everyone out of work. We can't have that! It's God's law!"
"Out of work? Are you out of your mind? You've got a whole planet to clean up! You're using an unsustainable energy source for your life support and if you start right now it would take an entire generation to fix what's wrong! Don't talk to Me about no work to do, the pile grows higher every day!"
The bong of God!
Fuck, I could say something here but He, err She, err It, is pissed at me. I have a feeling no matter what I say I'm going to get my ass chewed off. No way I'm defending this crapped out world anyway. I've got only one card left to play: feeling sorry for myself.
"Well, fine! I guess You know everything. So be it! So I'm not worthy of Your love and when I die You're going to open the trap door and send me right to Hell where all the liberals are!"
God let out a long slow hit and smiled in self satisfaction. "Oh, baby!" The words were spoken to no one. "That was a good one. If I were incarnate I'd be munching on some Cheetos right now. Oh thank heaven for 7-11!"
Lovely. That tactic didn't work. I hate this! It's like dealing with a grown-up. I can't win here so I'm gettin' out while the gettin's good. Damn, this sucked... I'm really going to have lie about this later at church to make this come out right.
God spoke yet again. "Oh, and one more thing."
I can't take any more. I know this is going to hurt. This is where God finally sticks the knife in me. Oh Jesus, save me! The Christian dropped to holy knees. "Just kill me! I can't take it anymore. Go ahead and get it over with!"
"You know that tumor you were worried about? I just wanted to say I healed it."
"Oh, You do love me! You do! You do! You do! Thank You, God! Thank You for everything!"
"No problem. Just spread the word about Me if you would."
"Oh, certainly! I'll tell everyone I meet how You loved me so much You healed me!"
"And also how I loves me some skunk weed!"
Pause. "Yes, that too." Someday. And with that reluctance a new tumor formed, growing until the truth was set free.
_____________________
God likes a little nose candy too!
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