I'm getting old now...
In my therapy class was an older woman, seemingly fit and well and she had lived on her own for years and years. For some reason I forget, she could not stay in her house for several months and moved in with her son and his family. But a funny thing happened on her way back home: home wasn't there anymore. She couldn't face life alone again, her appetite for living whetted anew given a taste of family life once more.
God help her.
That is me too. Given my taste of life all the old ways just lead me to the footsteps of a ghost. The old tricks no longer work, the old lies no longer sway - it really is just you and four walls, forever. So my world has come crumbling down. I no longer feel safe under my shameful rock. I hear others walk by laughing and speaking of their lives but I dare not let them know I hide in the dark covered in ugly moss.
Do I fade to black now?
My life is like a punctured tire, all the hope seeping out. I knew it had to end sometime, all the folly and falseness. Even so, you're never ready for it. Look around, leaves are brown, it's a hazy shade of winter. Answerless is a scary place to be. Vultures swoop in to fill the vacuum and you must constantly fight them off - even when you feel futureless and forlorn and see no reason for it.
Previous pathways no longer work
I know now I can't live this way.
I look back at stuff I wrote in the "before times", when still innocent, clinging to a glimmer of hope. I felt great suffering then but now...I hear only echoes of my feelings. There's a reason we structured our society as selfish and ruthless to the point of unspeakable pain and death: that's how we see love. Every man for himself, live or die on your own, you're not my spouse, I can't make time for you. The Shattering Time is here, my broken shards exposed for all to see.
The landslide of love brought me down.
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