When Terrorists Attack, People Pee Their Pants!

Emotionally, I'm a twelve-year-old

The problem with living in a bubble is the same as holding your breath. You can do it for a time - but not forever. But the cool thing about holding your breath is that it suspends reality. One can live underwater or walk through a poisonous cloud or a whole host of acts that allow one to separate from reality. And for many people that's the definition of success: separating from reality.

America is like one big, giant juicy bubble. In poorer parts of the world children are sold as slaves or live as de facto slaves in filthy factories. In other places warlords starve and rape as means of control. The disease of despair is spreading every day. Dreams come into this world stillborn, with life nothing more than one long struggle for survival until a final meaningless death. But in America, kids only have one question on their minds: "Can I please, please, please have unlimited text on my cell??" No wonder they want to take us down!

9/11 could have had a silver lining, bringing us out of isolation and into the world community (don't confuse intervention with interaction). May I humbly suggest it's in a person's national interest to see his neighbor is well fed. That way he doesn't get conked on the head in the middle of the night for his food. Others define our national interests differently - that of a bubble point of view, that we can live happily in our own little world as the rest of the world rots around us. But I prefer a plan that includes actually surviving.

Why would children with as bright
a future as theirs ever attack anyone??

But that's just me, never the pragmatist. "Dumb ol' Harry. He never gets that survival is not practical!"

But America did not learn from 9/11, take its medicine and start to heal. Instead, we retreated more into bubbledom. "We'll show them damn terrorists what we're made of! We'll pee our pants but good!" And just to prove bubbles are a good thing, we created the greatest economic bubble in history. Take that, Bin Laden! We may be homeless but we be high fivin' in victory! Only losers face reality and America loves a winner! Just ask anyone who's still eating: Keep the bubble alive!

But what will the glorious future of our bubble lives look like? After one attack we peed our pants:

Even Moses has to show proper ID

We made our airports sacred, with signs saying: "Take off thy shoes, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground!"

Followed by other sacred commandments to ensure our very survival such as, "Thou shall carry no liquid greater than 3 ounces lest the plane drop mightily from the sky" and "Thou shall honor thy random strip search with all thy heart and all thy mind and all thy soul."

And now that we've been attacked we are like so totally smarter now and can spot them bad guys just by looking at them! Uh huh, oh yeah! Innocent until proven guilty? Kiss my ass! We'll arrest your ass first and find the crime later. The answer is just a waterboard away! Terrorists don't respect civil rights - neither should we!
But what happens after the next attack? Guess we shit our pants then!

Me so scared! Keep me safe!

No one boards a plane without first reciting the Pledge of Allegiance - both forwards and backwards (that goes for you too, traitorous infants - might be dynamite in those diapers). You will also be required to say "Mohammed was a pussy" and eat a slice of ham.

All loyal Americans will also set up surveillance cameras in their own home to prove they are patriotic 24/7. Voting will no longer be secret so we can find out who's voting for commies and social welfare. We can then "re-educate them" in special Haliburton camps. A Department of Hysterics will be created to "keep us on our toes" to ensure we don't "start down the slippery slope of civil rights" again.

Flag tattoos are required because "no true American would object". "Xenophobia" is declared an official religion. Chuck Norris is elected President of Texas and renames Austin "The Octagon".
After the third attack, we basically just drop our pants!

Questioning the President is treason!

The Robespierre Party rises to power instituting a "Reign of Terror on Terror". Terrorist hunts are conducted nightly with mobs of angry torches. It will be deemed a truism: "If your house is on fire, you must be guilty!"

Airplane travel will be restricted to government agents only. Don't question them! They are on a mission from God to keep us safe! (Wildly popular movies will be churned out showing painstakingly rights-conscious government agents blowing up only bad guys and tending their orphaned babies - as if it could be otherwise!)

Anyone who didn't set up self-surveillance cameras after the second attack is arrested for "hiding something." Also, anyone caught not smiling happily to live in America is taken to the ever expanding Haliburton re-education camps. Haliburton stock takes off. Keep the bubble alive, baby!

After the fourth attack we're running stark naked down the street!

How the Republicans retake power

In a desperate appeasement to keep the terrorists happy, Bin Laden is elected President. We convert into an Islamic state, extend our work hours to make up for time spent in the daily calls for prayer and pass a law only priests may hold government office.

Military induction is mandatory as is goose stepping in solidarity. All mail and email must be submitted for approval which is never granted - only terrorists want to communicate with each other! All unpatriotic art will be burned to keep our children's minds "pure". The word "peace" is voted the most dangerous word in the English language.

Sirens wail day and night in perpetual fright. Scientists "discover" a terrorist gene. Babies are tested, those who fail are destroyed to keep "the next Hitler from being born". For unity's sake, all thought is banned and a special new "mind blanking" pill is distributed by Haliburton, the sole remaining corporation. Ultimate victory is declared "just around the corner" until the very end.
So be practical! Be a puppet! Capitulate your way to safety!



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