If Charles Manson Had Been A Banker

I can destroy how many
lives as a banker?? Cool!

News of the Tate-LaBianca murders has spread outrage across the country. In response to a growing clamor for action, Charles Manson, the mastermind behind the deaths, and his "family" were called before Congress today. Congressional representatives vowed to teach Mr. Manson and his ilk a painful lesson by inflicting the severist possible of tongue lashings. Rep. Barney Frank was quoted as telling the monster, "There's a great deal of anger in the country, much of it justified."

Mr. Manson seemed to mollify legislators by admitting, "It is abundantly clear that we are here amidst broad public anger."

Rep. Michael Capuano pulled no punches, boldly declaring outright his thinking Manson's acts were "illegal " and "cannot believe" Mr. Manson had not been prosecuted for them. Some observors did detect a suppressed smile on Mr. Manson's face when Rep. Capuano stuck out his tougue and bluntly informed Mr. Manson, "America doesn't trust you anymore."

Rep. Brad Sherman also frothed with righteous rage at Mr. Manson's use of private aircraft, which created a sonic boom during the funeral of his victims. In what had to be a very painful moment for the family, Rep Sherman unequivocally fumed to Mr. Manson, "You could sell them."

After the gruesome and bloody murders were committed, Rep. Paul Kanjorski seethed with news Manson Family members had rifled victim's pockets. In a most urgent tone, Rep Kanjorski admonished, "Please find a way to return that money before you leave town."

The House Finance Subcommittee
posed for a portrait after the hearings

Fiscally concerned Republican Rep. Gresham Barrett seemed mildly upset at the Manson Family's implied selfish behavior with the money taken, timidly suggesting it might possibly be donated to help the victims' families. Clearly noting he was not speaking for himself, but rather his constituents, Barrett complained they "simply have not seen the evidence that the money you were given is working or making their lives better."

At this point, Manson chaffed under the heavy criticism (which many pointed to as a sure sign change for the better was on the way and absolutely no need existed for passage of choking and restrictive laws to prevent further seemingly criminal acts like those committed by the Manson Family). Mr. Manson indicated in a quite factual manner the need for a highly rewarding bonus structure to prevent future egregious acts, regardless of the behavior or harm his family may inflict.

Rep. Barney Frank sharply repudiated that claim? "This notion that you need some special incentive to do the right thing troubles people."

Mr. Manson dismissed the obvious ignorance that only a non-Family member could hold, thusly explaining the need for a bonus structure: "It's complicated."

In a surprise appearance, Bette Midler, who lost her entire fortune in the California real estate crash, sang these words to Mr. Manson and his family:

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance;
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance;
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give;
And the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.

Ms. Midler's singing visibly disturbed Mr. Manson who stormed away from the table decrying what he called a ridiculous furor over a few dead bodies and it wasn't as if he created a global economic crisis damaging the lives of millions, throwing families out into the street, saying only true monsters could do such a thing. Manson declared his support of family values was self-evident.

Fellow Manson family members.
Would you a buy a used car from those faces?

Troublemaking protesters intent on debasing the very foundations of the rule of law were arrested, tasered and dragged from the proceedings. These vicious and wild-eyed monsters having the temerity to point out the passing of Congressional acts repealing the "Murder for fun" statutes, which some fringe elements assert may have had some slight and inadvertent influence on allowing Mr. Manson's murders for fun. Although many legislators present voted for said repeal, they did not let that diminish their outrage - with many highly paid and comfortable-for-life pundits declaring this to be brave acts of integrity on the congressmen's part.

In final statements, several congressmen also claimed to be "Shocked! Shocked!" at news of gambling in the back of Rick's Cafe Americain. Mr. Manson's lobbying firm - who called the grilling of their clients "unparalleled in American history" - also passed out videos explaining and defending the unforeseeable consequences of sticking a knife in a human body. As a fair and balanced, non-judgemental human and all around non-thinking good guy individual of the blameless media, this reporter has included the video below:

You can trust us now!