Hanging Out With God On A Sunday Afternoon

"Ask and ye shall receive" says the Good Book and so after the umpteenth billionth time of bitching at God wanting to know: 'God, what in the fuck are You thinking??' I got really annoyed at never getting an answer. After all, God, aren't You ultimately responsible for this pile of shit here since You had the lame ass idea of creating us? Yeah I know, people don't have to suck. But we do. And I got all these existential questions for You like: Why can't I be sitting on the beach earning twenty percent?

Well, I guess I finally caught God's ear and I got my ass called up to meet my Maker. He told me I was quite famous up there in Heaven. I said, 'Oh really?', thinking He must have been reading my blog. "Yes," said God. "We call you Whiny Bitch. You complain you can't do anything when in reality you can do everything." "Oh yeah?" I retorted defensively, "Does that mean I can fart strawberries, then? See? I can't do everything after all!" God just stared at me with a Cheshire Grin. Let me tell you, it was fucking unnerving!! Then God-Dude finally says, "Do you want to fart strawberries?" Well, fuck...guess I wanted a little more out of life than that. So I slumped down beside the Big Guy in resignation and opened my ears.

We sat in silence for a time and when God got his sniper rifle and said to follow Him I admit I got a tad worried. For some reason, the word "Blasphemer!" kept repeating in my head. But God had something else in mind.

"I'm taking out Lynyrd Skynyrd's airplane," He explained.

"Again?? Goddam, and I thought you had grudge against me!"

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"Half the band got wiped out in '77. You gonna take out the other half now?"

"This is the '77 crash."

"But that was over 30 years ago! How can that be happening now?"

"There is no time here. Just events."

"Wow, you must have a helluva 'To Do' list then."

"Yes, it takes a lot to fill up eternity." God then fired off a shot at the fateful Skynyrd Convair as it plummeted to the ground. God fist pumped and then declared, "Excellent! I never miss!"

"Hey, I like Skynyrd. Why Ya gotta pick on the them?"

"You know how many times I hear 'Free Bird' up here? Besides, if it feels good, do it."

"Ah, I see Your point. So accidents aren't random, eh?"

"Some are, some aren't. In this case, it was asked for."

"Nobody asks to die!" I hopelessly proclaimed.

"You talk about whay you say there. I talk about what I hear here. Wakarimasu ka?"

"I think so - but that's awfully disturbing if You only hear my soul."

"I feel like painting. Follow Me to the Art Room, My most favorite of all places."

The Art Room was an endless wonderland of delight. And by endless, I mean literally endless. God said there was actually no end to this treasure room filled with writing and song and art of all kinds. All the riches of earth are worthless compared to what I found there. God said Earthlings rarely visited this place anymore and when I asked why He said, "Because you can't come here without learning a little bit about yourself. Eventually, the dying planets just stop showing up." I instantly recognized the horror of that statement.

"You mean I'm stuck with Superman and Batman remakes for the rest of my life??"

"Pretty much."

But when my Maker sat down at His easel, I instantly recognized the picture. "That's Van Gogh's bedroom! I love that painting!!"


"Me too. Vincent is doing an excellent job of getting out of the way and letting Me guide his hand. If only that boy loved himself as much I love him."

I recognized a Japanese print on the wall. "That's Hiroshige, isn't it?" God nodded as Vincent's painting took form. Suddenly a thought struck me. "Hey, have You unified Japan yet? That was awesome the way the Winds of Change came and brought them together."

"Sengoku Jidai? Been there, done that."

"Fuck! I can't believe I missed that!"

"You didn't miss it. You were there. But you can't just keep trying to relive it all the time."

"I know, but it was so cool to feel the breath of God on my soul as I fulfilled my destiny," I sighed. "Oh, hey, what did You think about my idea for building a Japanese castle as a modern day monument?"

"Actually, it was My idea, so yeah, it was a good one."

"Motherfucker! I knew it was a good idea!! Why didn't You give me the winning lottery ticket so I could build it, goddamit?"

"Not on My 'To Do' list."

"Well You just think of Yourself as perfect don't You? Can't change even one little list?"

"Do you want Me to?"

"No," I instantly replied. "Hey wait a minute. I didn't mean that!" Then I doubled up in pain.

"Sure you did. There's no lying up here. Better stand by your honest answer if you want the pain to go away."

"Ok, OK! I don't want to win the lottery!" The pain went away but God starting laughing as I said "Fuck!" about twenty times in a row. And then when I was all done, I said "Fuck!" again. God shook his head.

"Had you chosen life and not run away you could have had everything you wanted."

"Including Debby?"

"Especially Debby. Trust Me when I tell you two were made for each other."

"Part of me still is confused but, man, that sure does explain a lot of my guilt. My whole life is nothing but frustration!"

"Yes, it's frustrating to give gifts that are not accepted."

"Don't You ever get tired of being right?" I heaved in exasperation.

"Just trying to bring you into the fold. Why would I do anything else? Come, I will show you an interesting event."

God took me to the War Room, the place He said where people come to lie. I watched as He wrote out an Executive Order saying simply "Protect This Man". An angel obediently took it to literally embark on a mission from God. I myself am not good at taking orders without question, but then again, I never had orders from God - have I? Curiosity got the best of me as I asked who the person was to be so important he could not die in war.

"Hitler."

"Hitler?? Adolph fucking Hitler? Kill him now! Gimme that sniper rifle! I'll risk Your wrath to take his sorry ass out. Goddam that motherfucker! God damn him to hell! I know what he did!"


"A match only starts a flame among dry kindling."

"What the fuck does that mean? There are times when you gotta do what you gotta do. Why do you let that man run amok?"

"Why let any of you run amok? The point is his voice exists to this day. I keep that voice alive to see if you will listen to those words or Mine. Those who listen to Hitler, Stalin, Bin-Laden - they must be separated from those who revere the truth. It's a self purging. The Tears of Man break My heart in rivers of sorrow. I am grieving for you day and night. Lamentations of darkness reach out to Me so I sent you this note:

"Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white,
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion."
At the sight of my Maker crying, I wept also - as would you. I wanted to leave this place called Heaven. I wondered if I only soiled it. I returned back to where I started: What means anything? God knew my woe and I knew He meant to comfort me when He said, "Come, I wish to show you the place I'm most proud of."

"Yes," I complied, "but can I ask you one thing first. Where is the vile voice of Hitler now?"

"In the one who slanders Me most: the anti-Christ 43rd President of the United States."

I followed him as He tenderly tended to Heaven's garden, an endless field of electric flowers that shone the lights of the spectrum from every cell. Never in my life had I seen anything so alive. The intensity of life was so strong you felt as if the life-force of an entire planet had been squeezed into each cell. I see now the flowers on our planet are mere echoes of these flowers. And in that moment, all confusion left my mind.

I used to think, why did God make us knowing our capacity for evil and inflicting distress? It seemed such an irresponsible thing to do. And the reason is: because death does not have to be. All death comes from us, blocking out God from where all life flows. When you see the world as all life the search for meaning ceases.


Well of course God wanted to make us. Who wouldn't want such beauty to exist? Everything makes sense now. Why did I ever doubt? As God passed the Flowers of Life, they sung Her praises in unrelenting joy. They were some happy sons-a-bitches! My urge to join in overwhelmed me as I cried out, "Yes! Yes!" in complete understanding. This is what I want. It's what I always wanted: to be one with Love - the driving force behind each and every life. Mock the Flowers of Life at your own peril. Our true desires are already known.