Forgive Osama Now!

World War II was the end of an Age. No more could we solve problems with war. That was supposed to be a blessing. It sparked a renaissance of song and culture. But we assumed our blessings came not from the freedom from war, but because of it. Got a problem? War is the answer. So we’ve had wars on poverty, drugs, communists and whatever else you wanna throw in there. Raging successes all!

Same with our “war on terror”. We’re losing it because we’ve already surrendered. Everything the terrorists want us to do, we do! They wanted to embitter us and that they did (a boot in whose ass?). They wanted us to turn our back on our freedoms, and that we have ("I don't need no stinking writ!"). They wanted to make us as they are and thus we found our own country to terrorize in the name of God. Good job America!


OK, my fellow winners, I hate to lose. And we all know “Americans love a winner.” So let’s stop trying to say we are winning in any sense when we’re gang tackling Grandma at the airport because she’s carrying four ounces of shampoo instead of three. That doesn’t make you a bad ass. It makes you sick and pathetic (something I know a lot about). We are the terrorists’ bitch!

Forgiveness is the answer. I hereby forgive Osama and all his terrorist buddies. I’m a free man once more. Say it and you will be too. Show me what you’re made of. Show me some of Tom Barkley’s guts! Or stay their puppet like a good, little sheep. Baa-a-ah! Baa-a-ah!

The person to lead this campaign of course, is our good Christian President. It would go something like this:

President Igor announced today he will not seek out the terrorists responsible for the infamous bombings killing many innocent lives. "They are probably just misguided, not knowing what they are doing," he symapthized. "Let's just leave them be. I'm tired of dealing with these people."

Terrorists were outraged by the President's reaction. "We demand to be treated as the dangerous and notorious criminals that we are!" they stormed.

President Igor's reaction was a heartfelt reply of: "What they need is a good hug. Hug a terrorist today. These people need love, too."

The "Hug a Terrorist Today" campaign caused many terrorists to picket the White House with signs such as, "I HATE hugs! Really!" , "You MUST hate us!" and "Loathe me!" Also, many terrorists have publicly vowed to kill President Igor.

"I kill any man who says I need love!" fumed one. (Jesus had no comment on the last remark.)
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(Part two will follow with your your oh-so-predictable whining)