A Sobering Event

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. My back aches horribly as I crimp up during the night. There's just so much stuff eating at me that comes out when I lay down. Considering I've been on this path of self-destruction since I was a child, it's a wonder I get any rest at all. I'm not a drinker but I'm rarely sober. The tragedy of my crimes is un-faceable.

Pain has a way of pulling you out of your stupor. I sent an email to the spouse of Debby. With a little Goggling I was able to find the address fairly easily as he's a Senior V.P. at a national bank. The subject read: "A girl of dreams" and the body read: "Debby died when she married you." There was no reply nor will there be. Theirs has always been a house of silence - something I can understand.

It's my own reaction that has me on pins and needles. Some of the "old" feelings came back, rekindling the fear and dread and excitement. The possibility of Debby in my life in any form completely transforms my outlook. Instead of paddling away from life and growing ever farther away, I am desperate to paddle back to where she is. It's then I realize the horror of my ways. Water as far as the eye can see, no shore in sight. Dear God, what have I done?

The suicide urge came back to life; churning in my stomach, my heart racing. To have given up paradise for hell... The eternity of this feeling, a feeling of Ultimate Sin and betrayal. Judgment Day comes every day for me. I hear the angels crying and I am the cause. I share those tears.

People don't know the criminal I am - they also don't know I see the criminal in them. I remember back when we worked together thinking how could I describe my feelings if I were to live with Debby. It would have been like winning the lottery every single day; an endless, boundless joy of running down the street yelling, "Yes! Yes!" That's been replaced now with screams of, "No! No!"

So, instead of publishing a groundbreaking novel and making a revolutionary film - all inspired by her - I've ended up here, documenting my death. I'm a shadow man, too crippled to crawl out of the gutter. I die a miserable, dog's death - because that's all I've left myself. I love you, Debby.