Way of the Soul Part Deux

Miss (mis) vt. To feel or regret the absence or loss of; want

It's like I'm bleeding. My unreasonable soul just keeps asking, "Where's Debby?" I explain over and over and over, and just when you think it's convinced... "Where's Debby??" It fucking hounds me. How do you "un-long" for somebody?

It's a hole I can't fill. I've thought about the traditional methods like alcohol, but I don't drink. I try lying to myself but when I want to rest, the truth seeps back in. So I just try to numb myself best I can, which is death for an artist (unless you're a fraud like Pink Floyd). And it's in this choked up state that I appear most normal - like a truly functioning human being - when I'm holding my breath. Like now.

Morning time is the worst, when it's an actual physical ache. It's a physical craving of needing to be held. And when I feel this, my soul strikes again, "Hey, where's Debby?" Yell, scream, curse God and/or Debby - nothing makes a difference. It's like asking the wind not to blow.

My depression has been increasing. Though I winced a bit doing it, I decided to splurge on a nice meal to maybe pick me up. The place was great. I got to eat out on the veranda on a beautiful night and the smells from the surrounding restaurants were delicious. Down below I could see people gathering and talking, wafts of perfume floating up to me. The place was alive. I had picked well. My deception to the waiter also seemed to go well without any suspicion of my homelessness. But a few bites into my meal I suddenly stopped chewing. What's the use of anything good with her still in my heart? I forced myself to keep chewing but it was like I was outside of myself, watching myself.

My soul also has no reason on Debby's end either. It is unable to forgive her for abandoning me. It cannot fathom her marriage; selling her charms to receieve approval and to avoid loneliness. It has a rage against her. Logical arguments do not apply. These things are the course of nature.