The Mamby-Pamby Man

"The truth will set you free"





He was a big, fat man living a big, fat life in a big, fat country. "God, this is great!" he beamed, roaring down the highway in his big, fat car. He had been made a Congressional Man of the Bad Ass party. "We're taking over the country!" he hollered. It was like sitting on top of the world.

Flicking on the radio he found his favorite Bad Ass butcher: Tush Bimbo. Bimbo was buzzing: "Hey everyone, ya know that fellow we all love to hate? Well, he's just a big, fat moron!" The fat man behind the wheel loved it. "You get 'em, Tush! Tell it like it is! Somebody has to stand up for the truth." His stubby fingers turned up the volume, reveling in the rhetoric. It fueled the fire for his debate that night with the guy from the Mamby-Pamby party.

The evening's debate was simple: "War. Good or bad?" Naturally, as a member of the Bad Ass party, his view was pro war. "Don't forget," his handlers warned, "Don't forget to start by saying no one wants war. We have to keep that secret." He brushed them away as a Congressional man should. Hell, how hard could it be to defeat a Mamby-Pamby man??

Bad Ass man orated first. "Of course, we all wish we could live in a perfect world where we could lay down our arms and hug." He glanced at the Mamby-Pamby man and sneered on the word hug, causing a ripple of snickering in the crowd. "Nobody wants war. It's forced upon us."

"Oh, what bad luck!" lamented his opponent. "Seems we're always stuck killing one another."

"It's the only way to fix the world!"

"Dear God, we're making the world better one war at a time. Please be patient as we pick each other off-"

"It's not like that at all-"

"Because, dear Lord, in our wisdom we've decided it's a viable option to not learn to live together. That of course is not talked about-"

"Silly ramblings of a dreamer-" fatally interrupted the Bad Ass man.

"Would you hold your horses, please!" chided the Mamby-Pamby man. Then, looking up and down at the girth of his opponent. "Actually, from the looks of it, seems you've eaten a horse already!"

The crowd erupted with a mixture cheers, laughter, groaning and gasps. The moderator called for silence. Clearly flushed and humiliated, the Bad Ass man was left gasping for defense. Mamby-Pamby man stood looking unapologetic. The moderator chastised him.

"Please, sir. This is not the place for personal insult."

"Truth should never be taken as an insult. Someday, he'll thank me."

Bad Ass man regained some composure. "The truth is you - like all your party - is unprincipled and corrupt!"

"Oh, you accuse me of all your crimes."

"You know you can't win on issues so you resort to personal attacks!"

"See my previous statement."

The moderator attempted to steer the ship back on course. "Please, may we resume discussion of the topic."

The bored voice of the Mamby-Pamby replied, "What for? I've won. I'm leaving." And thus he departed.

Back in the safety of his handlers, the Bad Ass man raged. "I'll get that son-of-a-bitch if it's the last thing I do! I'll kill him! This means war!" Similiar voices chimed in with his. It was war they decided. War on the Mamby-Pamby man, war on the whole Mamby-Pamby party. Things always come to war in the end.


Alone, driving in the dark, feelings of betrayal and regret conflicted with the Bad Ass man's anger. The moment kept flashing before him over and over, the sounds of the crowd resonating in his mind. He couldn't resolve the war within him until finally, he just pulled over on the side of the road and broke into tears.

How could this have happened?? Exposed before the world like that, caught with his pants down. And strangely, he was just as mad at himself as well, though he couldn't bring himself as to answer why. Listening to the crickets, he sat by the road a broken man.

Maybe some hate radio will clear my mind, he thought. He punched the knob to catch a replay of Tush Bimbo."Hey everyone, ya know that fellow we all love to hate? Well, he's just a big, fat moron!" Bad Ass man slammed the knob off. Not so funny now. In fact, empty and vile were more apropos. The feelings of betrayal now made sense. He was his own betrayer. Facing the truth, peace descended on him.

"Thank you, Mamby-Pamby man," he uttered."Now I'm one of you. You saved my soul."