Elvis Has Left The Building

I live in a vacuum of humanity.

Sometimes, it's not the actual building that's the most confining.

After the Oscar's Slap last year I was able to finagle a neck brace working as a trustee of the medical ward. I wore it the next day to what I thought would be great effect.

The night before, lying in my prison bunk, I cracked myself up with the imagined scenarios. I still say it was a huge opportunity missed by Chris Rock not to do the same. Imagine him walking on stage the week after, wearing a neck brace, just standing there while everyone laughs. And when the laughter dies down, saying, "I don't know if you heard..."

So I figured I could lighten up the place - and my own doomed existence. And while I did get the straight lines I was hoping for, the ensuing reactions were not.

"Hey! What happened to you? Somebody jump ya?"

"No! I hosted the Oscars!"

Then:

"Who's Oscar?" (just plain ignorant and plans to die that way)

"Oh, OK." (pretending to understand joke but does not)

"I saw that! What a terrible event! We need more of the love Jesus in our hearts." (fake Christian buying stairway to heaven)

"Oh, my! You ought to be more careful!" (faux concern)

"If it'd been me I'd put you all the way in hospital." (thug agenda)

Dryly: "If you're not really hurt you should take that off." (killjoy)

"You know, I wore one of those in high school, when I was on the football team." (beaten down with injury story)

"That's not funny. Someone could have been seriously hurt. Did you know Chris Rock suffered from bullying as a child. This could affect his entire psyche for years!" (politicizing prick)

"Oh! Looks painful." Then whispers: "Hey, got a new porno pic my buddy mailed me!" (can never see beyond himself)

"You're making a judgment on Will Smith by a single act and that I refuse to do having a more enlightened attitude." (self-projection judging me)

Dismissively: "That's not funny! Not everything's a joke, you know!" (drowning in suffering - but at least admitted it was a joke!)

Of course, the goddam guards lost their sense of humor when they decided to strip us of our dignity. Poor dumb bastards.

So, yup, I went O-fer. Not a soul. By noon I had taken the brace off, bitter and defeated, sorry I even tried to lighten the mood.

Of course, once everyone saw the scowl on my face later on that's what did make them happy.