Lightswitch - as is his name - always like me (far as I know). Dieu merci!
We hitmen (or is hitpeople now?) are miserable lot. After all, who can love hitman? So one day long ago, in America suburb parking lot, was warm Spring day, no cloud in sky, girls in summer dress and long bare legs stick out driving men to ancient grave. I lean against my car watching this, waiting for my target to finish shopping business. Then it like world cave in on me and I losing it. I get in front seat of car, pull down pants and hump hand looking to sky. I could not stop, I feel the heat. It is hard life.
After I recover and resume my post I notice young dark hair Asian girl drive off. I think nothing of it but wonder why internal alarm go off. When I can, I set up own surveillance camera of any site I spend period of time. I lose target during fever time in car. I go home and watch footage. That Asian girl outside watching me at back of my car! She rise up camera when I release and take picture. She smile big when doing this. But she not know I have license number.
For online fee, I find out who and where she is. I ring her doorbell later same day, explain I see her everything. She say she not know what I talk about. I tell her I do it for her anytime she want, just say when! This make her beyond angry. I not even remember words, just look of killer on face. She slam door screaming threat like she die. I walk away defeated again. See? There is no pleasing them. It all anger and hysteria.
Meeting other broken men is not picnic. Lightswitch scare me minute I meet him. He have nickname from people saying he "turn off light" on target. But I call him that for different reason. Lightswitch either totally like you or totally against you. And sometimes he flip that - just like switch. One day all praise, next all hate, talking of same person. And this guy Lightswitch, no one not sure he not kill for personal, not just professional. I give him wide berth, trying not show fear, like when facing barking dog.
Lightswitch like to tell story of his kills. Like fisher man who catch big fish and is proud. He tell only of one-on-one kill, confronting victim. He come alive when he talk of look in their eye, fear filled, dawning loss of hope, yelling help no point. Lightswitch say he want to stay in moment forever. He even say long range impersonal kill he "only do those for the money."
Dangerous. Out of control. But one thing worse: this is man who remind me of...me. I too live at bottom of well in fear, no hope, no point crying out to earless world. Just like this monster man. Hearing his story, getting wrapped in it, maybe seduced by it, disturb me to this writing.
After I recover and resume my post I notice young dark hair Asian girl drive off. I think nothing of it but wonder why internal alarm go off. When I can, I set up own surveillance camera of any site I spend period of time. I lose target during fever time in car. I go home and watch footage. That Asian girl outside watching me at back of my car! She rise up camera when I release and take picture. She smile big when doing this. But she not know I have license number.
For online fee, I find out who and where she is. I ring her doorbell later same day, explain I see her everything. She say she not know what I talk about. I tell her I do it for her anytime she want, just say when! This make her beyond angry. I not even remember words, just look of killer on face. She slam door screaming threat like she die. I walk away defeated again. See? There is no pleasing them. It all anger and hysteria.
Lightswitch like to tell story of his kills. Like fisher man who catch big fish and is proud. He tell only of one-on-one kill, confronting victim. He come alive when he talk of look in their eye, fear filled, dawning loss of hope, yelling help no point. Lightswitch say he want to stay in moment forever. He even say long range impersonal kill he "only do those for the money."
Dangerous. Out of control. But one thing worse: this is man who remind me of...me. I too live at bottom of well in fear, no hope, no point crying out to earless world. Just like this monster man. Hearing his story, getting wrapped in it, maybe seduced by it, disturb me to this writing.
***
That was horrible terrible black sunny day in that parking lot. Back at night in my room, I think of that girl with her smile I can see in mind even now. For one cherish moment I am non-hated. But I think of Lightswitch that night too, wondering what come of him - and if I any different. It all mix up in one giant ball of mess. Please say this not life intent for me.
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