The reply was both breathless and resolute: "Because he's the President."
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It was said when the phenomenon first started that life had turned into a B-grade movie script no one would buy or believe with its outrageous premise and ever curiouser behavior. Sure, the world is screwed up - but it can't be that screwed up. There has to be limits to absurdity even in works of fiction. But come to find out, in real life there are no limits when entering a bottomless pit.
The Moronican party had been around forever, posing as a legitimate institution with alleged ideals and noble-sounding aims. Some were genuinely conned into believing their fairy tale but the overwhelming majority simply sought to rule the lives of others at any cost. To reach this goal they had had to hide behind a fig leaf of morality as the rationale for their pursuit of power. They waged unholy "holy wars" in the name of a God aggrieved by war. Then the idea of an ape leader came along.
The idea had been kicked around for years, never taken seriously but never quite going away either. "How cool would it be to get the masses to worship a monkey we control?" To set a monkey on the throne remained a secret fantasy until lo and behold just the right ape came along. This ape had been spoiled all its life - it didn't even realize it was an ape! Of course, on some level it knew and this caused an endless resentment against actual humans building a lifetime of resentment and perceived victimhood.
The lie of believing it was human had infested the ape, and never could it get enough of this lie, never could it hear it enough times to satisfy its craving, for it knew it could never be a real human. Yet, more than anything, the ape made its life purpose to be thought of as human. It could see the rainbow of this ultimate dream but never reach it. And like any good terrorist, it thought, "Somebody has to pay for my shortcomings, just like we did to that Jesus fucker!"
Its simple monkey brain could only hold one concept at a time: Be called 'human' good, be called 'ape' bad. It reduced all behavior down to that one golden rule. No nuance or grey area existed in its head. Every impulse centered on this singular conviction without restraint or regard. The ape ceaselessly tugged at the skirt of every human it saw begging to belong, wearing them down with pathetic pleas. But no matter how much acceptance the ape received, it always needed more.
The Moronicans had gotten to the point that the burden of their feigned morality had pushed them into unbearable submission. They faced a crossroad of either coming clean as to their treachery or doubling down on their naked lust. The ape-who-would-be-king fantasy was brought back to life in this moment of crisis. "If we can get away with this, we can get away with anything! Daylight robbery, kidnapping and rape, wholesale arson - why we could even kill someone in the middle of the street and get away with it! Just imagine the power!"
No one took the ape seriously when its bid was announced for the Presidency. "Good God, it's a freaking ape without a brain or a conscience!" said Senator Graham Cracker, future servant to the ape. "Our entire party deserves to vanish if we nominate a foul beast like that." But before anyone knew, a groundswell of support rose up in support of the ape. "Hey, him just like me!" guffawed Barney at the Beer Barn.
Who knew he meant this literally??
Even the most rotted of souls could feel superior to the ape, thus giving them a sense of self-worth they'd never known before. Other malcontents and miscreants also banded together in support of the ape as they too had shut themselves out from the halls of competence. Machiavellian misanthropes joined in seeing great potential in using the ape's appeal to push through their agenda of looting the world. The hopeless cried out, "Why not an ape?" as human leadership had failed them up to that point. Combined, they were known as the Orangutang Gang.
Both supporters and detractors knew the ape would never be held responsible for its behavior with it not being, you know, an actual human. The idea of never being held responsible for one's life has always been an appealing idea and in a surprise victory, the ape was able to eek out a win! The Orangutang Gang rejoiced in at last having their time in the sun, gaining recognition after having to hide in the shadows the entirety of their lives. And they especially delighted in seeing the angst and heartbreak of the sanity-minded who lamented the ensuing destruction. "Now the fuckers know how we felt!"
The orangutang was bought fine suits to wear and given fancy words to point to as if it could mean them, and great promises were made (with great giggling) that it would "grow into the role of being President." Many claimed it was their patriotic duty to serve the ape and be a "guardrail" against its more extreme impulses incapable of knowing right from wrong. The Gang crowed how the ape would make the country great even though it had no concept of government or country - just itself. But, of course, in the end it was just an ape - and could act nothing but as an ape - and no good fruit could come to bear.
Be smart. Be like the successful ape.
Cabals who preached death and consortia of black-hearted pirates formed in the ape's orbit, talking it into gross betrayals of "those damn humans and their impractical human needs." When a huge ocean liner flipped over, they had the ape show up to throw rolls of paper towels to the drowning survivors and laugh as they were forced to drink salt water attempting to stay alive. When no outcry was made of this monstrous and inhuman piece of savagery the Orangutang Gang felt their time had truly arrived.
Conniving criminals found that praising the ape as human would get them granted privileges and favors however unwarranted or egregious. This wildly pleased foreign leaders who realized they too could manipulate the ape with simple-minded words, tricking it into committing treason and giving away the country's treasures. Over time, the last of the competent gatekeepers were driven out leaving only the cruel and the corrupt to give orders, redefining incompetence as competence and vice versa.
But it seemed the more the ape got its way, the more angry it got. It resented having to serve humans he felt were superior to it, vowing "no one would be spared" its wrath. The Orangutang Gang were delighted at the idea of dying for their leader which was made only better that they could take the ape-haters down with them. They loved seeing the look of horror and screams of terror they could invoke with their suicide-for-all pact. "Nazi camp guards got nothing on us!"
Yet, try as they might, however ruthless or murderous their tactics, there never was nor ever can be anything to be gained from the Orangutang Gang. The answer for truly moving forward remains the same, no matter how disregarded, ill-favored, or unspoken that answer may be.
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