Good evening Mister and Missus America and all the ships at sea. Let's go to press. Flash!
Los Angeles! Our Great and Glorious government was forced by an unruly and rebellious population into using further drone strikes in order to maintain order. Barricades of many upper class neighborhoods had been breached despite the best efforts of their private forces who shot down many of the mob but were nonetheless overwhelmed. A disgusted Republicant woman protested. "Just who does these people think they are with their outrageous sense of entitlement? If they deserved food, they'd have food. The free market may not be perfect but it's the best and only way."
Spoken like a true American!
Wall Street! In other news of undue resentment, accusations continue to fly that numbers are being manipulated and arbitrarily changed at will by those willing to be bribed. These, folks, are the numbers we live and die by. There is no higher god than our numbers. So it's completely irresponsible to undermine our Godly faith in them. The poor must continue to fund the rich. Keep the American dream alive!
Middle East! Threats of peace were quickly squelched by our mighty military men. Civilian massacres by our troops were able to re-stoke the flames of war causing fighting to resume in order to fulfill prophecy. In related news, suicides by our soldiers have skyrocketed but this is not a cause for concern. Though often gravely stoic, our compassionate generals have declared all suicides will now be buried with honor and also no longer count as causalities. This gives us a great statistical win for war! Let's give the brass a hand, folks.
San Francisco! The kidnapping of the Zuckerberg baby remains unsolved. A cryptocurrency ransom demanded through a Facebook profile was paid but has yet to produce any tangible results. CEO Zuckerberg aimed the blame squarely on Congressional legislation passed over the years. "This is a direct result of onerous privacy laws that disallow us to electronically eavesdrop and data mine our users. Yes, we've determined the kidnappers buy their underwear at Target but we always need more and better information!" Conspiracy theorists continue to claim the kidnapping is a hoax perpetrated by Zuckerberg in order to get privacy laws repealed.
Washington D.C.! Lawful kidnappings continue to rise with the support of new legislation. Children of poor parents, non-white parents, or parents of the party currently out of power are being taken in record numbers to good safe conservative homes across the country with absolutely no record of their final destination. Too many people say the news focuses solely on the negative so I wanted to end tonight's broadcast on a high note, a heartwarming story to unite us and bring us all together.
Goodnight!
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