i suppose it's possible to feel worse. instead of the usual sinking feeling in my stomach my whole life is sinking. suicide is definitely on the menu. i can't handle being in a cage. in case anyone hasn't noticed yet, i don't trust you people.
Suddenly the news, the sports, the weather don't mean jack shit. Nothing I cared about before means anything, it all gets thrown out the window. My house is on fire and I'm in it. I finally crossed the line I'd been edging up to for all these years. idiot.
i've heard it's best to come clean when they interview you. it won't be easy but i decided to take that path. no point compounding my troubles. still, admitting to a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites what an idiot i am is bitter medicine.
"I wanted to believe there's another way out. It pushed me over the edge." I was actually realizing things as I spoke. "I wasn't making it, I was drowning. My whole life was an act. You just thought you knew me."
it's true: my ad lib lines were well rehearsed. now i'm going down. i knew the guy who arrested me for years. he never knew i harbored criminal intent. i thought...i don't know what i thought, was playing with fire.
what's there to talk about? this building, these smells, these people, they make me ill. i make me ill. was completely irrational. caught coming out my house fixing to go on the run just like i'd seen so many others get captured. i did the same dumb trite things. i'd always fed myself the line i was more clever.
i know what they do to felons in this society. people mostly hate themselves and this is their big chance to screw somebody and look down on them. no time for an attitude, though. if i find someone who extends a helping hand, you better take it, asshole. that's something new to me, letting go of my anger.
will this experience make me a better person down the line? part of me suspects yes. but that's like a light over the horizon i can't see. i'm holding on to that thought as a silver lining, that i'm not a complete fuck up. i'm not telling anyone that's in my head. don't want to contribute to the laughter. still, it seems persistently real.
but there's no hiding my shame and disgust. this is why everyone looks so shitty in their mug shots: the self-loathing. it ain't no game and my path has changed forever. who can forgive me? I can see it will have to start with me. i'm just a piece of meat to be processed. just had to do it, didn't you?
fading to black now. don't know if anyone will see me on the other side. even if i do make it out to the other side, not sure even i want to see me. how can i trust that guy? i just had to show my ass.
UPDATE: They dropped the charges. There certainly wasn't a lack of remorse on my part. They saw it in my face and my body. Maybe that played a part. I was too scared to ask too many questions why. It was just a paper crime, maybe that played a part. That and no criminal history. Maybe Jim, who arrested me, put in a good word. I'll ask another day.
I can tell you the air is sweeter the sun is cleaner. Hard to get worked up over what is now clearly bullshit that I'd obsessed over before. This boy got some housecleaning to do. I've birthed a new outlook. Being drug through the shit was actually good for me, after all. My secret optimism was right! (But yeah, I bitched a lot along the way.) Guess I needed to be taken down a notch or two. This is all I want to talk for now.
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