War, Sex and Humping Hitler (Or Five Reasons To SUPPORT the War)

If there's one thing a violent society loves - and America is the most violent society on earth - it's orgies! That's what makes us so hypersensitive to sex. We like to pretend our sex - like our violent war - is an act of purity. We know both are lies but our religion is to lie. But hey, that's the purpose of religion: to make lies holy. Makes our orgies holy too!

So yes, our wars orgies are religious wars orgies to prove we be some God-fearing freedom fighters. Wasn't WWII a righteous war? Then they all are! Invasions are Hawt! Let's do some more! How do you like it? How do you like it? More, more more! I forget: are we fucking or fighting? Doesn't matter, either way it's God's will! Our war orgies have turned us into a nation of perverts. It's our dirty national secret. No label is more feared than that of pervert - and we can't wait for an excuse to slap it on someone.

And while we like to stand on our church pew every time the polling man comes calling and talk about how we oppose the war and blah, blah, blah, truth is we are helpless to protest. Our wars are children born out of the self-loathing of greed-stricken souls. Criminals always self-destruct - it's God's way of cleansing the earth. It's not really the world we are at war with, but ourselves. Gee, I wonder how you win a war like that?

Suicide is painless unless you're collateral damage

I ruffled some feathers here once when I said if Hitler had had a satisfactory sex life we'd never had World War II. (You girls really need to put out more so we can have less wars and more PGA major winners.) But maybe we really are angels with machine guns and war is not an extension of our personal lives and perhaps I'm selling this whole war argument short. Peace is just not practical and I might be overlooking the great benefits war brings. Not imagined, improvable benefits, but real honest-to-God results! So here's my top five, rock solid reasons to support the war:


1. More dead American soldiers! Nothing supports the troops like putting them in harm's way. And seeing them come back dead keeps us all angry so we can keep the war going. Brilliant plan that! If there's one thing we're guaranteed of, it's more dead soldiers. And just in case you might think they died for a less than worthy cause we'll prove you wrong by sending more in to die. War, is like, so totally smart!


2. Blowing up civilians around the globe! A "9/11 every day" is how some darn Pakistani woman described our predator drone attacks, completely ungrateful for keeping her free! Doesn't she know that in a just war it's OK to bomb weddings for the greater good? We promise not to laugh when we tell you how "regrettable" but "necessary" mass murder is. And did not our Dear Leader say, "Right makes might"? So if we have the might we must have the right.

Click me to see the current costs

3. Lets make the economy even less viable! The war machine is a great employer and with unemployment the way it is, our soldiers can't enter the workforce and we can't stop arms production. What a genius idea to have our economy dependent on our never changing course - ever! Not only that, we don't even have to pay for anything, just put it on our national credit card and have corporations decide our foreign policy. America, you make warring fun! All the benefits, none of the pain! What matters money if the terrorists take away our freedoms? So what if we end up broke. Everyone knows the poor are free.


4. Keep the terrorists happy! Judging by our actions, this is our number one goal in these wars. How giddy they must be to see us spend ourselves into oblivion, engender hatred around the globe and completely cede any moral high ground we might have had. Our new motto: "Who are we not to oblige terrorists' belief we are no better than they are?" Only we war supporters realize these people are hell-bent on destroying us and we need to beat them to the punch and destroy us first! And no way do we inconvenience them by removing our troops as targets and force them to come over here!

Doing this has zero effect on our future

5. Facing reality is for losers! Time to face facts, you moron peace-niks: there is no problem we can't solve with bombs and bullets. Damn those dreaming naysayers who believe we can't make the world the way we wish to be! They are childlike in their thinking! To hell with the commie who said, "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword." We know better! We know with enough dead bodies we can make the world safe - for killers anyway.

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