THANK GOD for Dumb Women!

Boy, would I love to give you a hand!

I, like most men, am seeking the holy grail of womanhood: someone even more pathetic than me. You see, it's the only chance I got! Problem is, I've burned my way through most of Dallas county so I had to move my search northward to Denton - home to three universities! Yes, it's a desperate ploy to stray so far from home, but Mr. Woody won't take no for answer.

Oh, uh, seems my little escapade also made the news:

A Denton woman said a man posing as a masseuse-in-training talked his way into her home Monday for a massage, asked her inappropriate questions and asked her for a date.

The 21-year-old woman, who did not want to be identified, said she didn't think anything was fishy at first. The man knocked on the door of her apartment and told her he was in the area giving massages as part of field hours he needed to fill for a class.

"He looks like a guy, a regular guy -- a college student, you know? He didn't seem like, you know, creepy or anything," the woman said.

But she said she shouldn't have let him inside.

Yup, wearing that letter jacket I fetched out of the trash really paid off. I told her my fingers were so coarse because "that's the price of lettering in competitive bowling." She was impressed! And also my knuckles hurt as she was the 82nd door I'd knocked on and I was afraid I was going to use up another city where people got to know my face. But frankly, I wasn't really expecting to get in so I was sort of lost when it actually happened.

The woman said the man didn't seem prepared to give a massage.

"He actually had to ask me for lotion," she said. "He didn't even bring his own."

He also didn't bring a massage table and asked if they could use her bed. Instead, she suggested her sofa.

The woman refused to take off her clothes, opting for a tank top and shorts, but he kept asking her to remove parts of her clothing, she said.

"He was like, "Oh, I see this all the time,'" she said. "And I was like, 'Well, it's true. He's a student; I'm not going to show him anything."

It's my lack of faith in God that undermines me. I never really believe my prayers will be answered, leaving me flatfooted when success does come my way. To my eternal regret, I do believe had I played this better Mr. Woody would have found a home - for that night anyway. I did rehearse beforehand my "I see it all the time" line and I got really excited I actually got the chance to slip it in! But I had a hard time keeping my cool.

She said she took off her shirt and bra, but remained faced down on her sofa. When the man started massaging her legs, he then asked a question that quickly threw up another red flag, she said.

"He asked me if I wanted an ass massage," she said.

The man also asked her chest size. She said the questions made her uncomfortable, and she quickly grabbed her shirt and asked him to leave.

"He, like, gave me a hug and wouldn't let me go, and that's when he was like, 'Can we go out sometime?'" she said. "(I said) 'No. I have a boyfriend. You need to leave.'"

I gotta admit when she flopped out those 36C's I was like a Muslim in paradise! God had at last guided me to the holy land but alas, I proved myself unworthy of the ultimate prize. Truly, it was more than I could handle to hide my excitement and watching her put her shirt back on returned me to the place to which I am far more accustomed: headed out the door. In a final desperate act of salvation, I pressed Mr. Woody against her in supplication - and got the usual response. Now I just had to worry if she was going to narc on me (always the worst part).

The woman said she then called her sister, who urged her to call Denton police.

But police said today that the man would not face a charge for the massage because the victim allowed him to do it, but he could face an assault by contact charge from giving her a hug when he left.

The struggling massage student is a great bit. In the summer, I walk down alleys looking for women laying out and offer to clean their pool for free. Hard part is explaining to them why I need to do it in the nude ("Working on my tan!"). But it seems I'll need a new winter time scam now since this one got blown. I'm thinking maybe free door-to-door examinations for breast cancer. "Don't worry, lady, I've seen a million of them!"

Knock ! Knock!

Hey, honey, I saw your tits!