Tears of a Monster

How would you feel if someone died because of a lie you told? How would you feel if it were your neighbor's son - or your own? How could you live with such a thing? It would be unbearable and would take a lifetime to repair. God help the person in that position. The hardest forgiveness to achieve will be one's own.

But imagine if your lie sent thousands to die, thousands more to be maimed, tens of thousands emotionally scarred; unleashed years of terror, drove millions from their homes fleeing said terror and ripped further apart an already gaping wound in our world. What do you do if you're that kind of unspeakable monster?

Easy. You just disconnect.

The thought of actually being such a monster is unbearable. So one must devote all of one's life to keeping the lie alive you are something else. You somehow have to believe your evil has made the world a better place. Problems start, though, when others don't buy into your delusions. Oh sure, your fellow monsters will support you and call you good but even that won't be enough as truth becomes clearer.

Now our President Monster is crying because no one loves him. He/it desperately seeks to hoodwink history and declare himself a success - reality be damned. "Academics" are being brought in to offer advice on how best to fart and call it perfume. But is this really in the monster's best interest? Only an enemy tells you you do good when you do wrong. Luckily for the monster, he called on the Sarcastic Samurai!

As the famed samurai entered the Oval office, he drew his sword, made several impressive and threatening moves, then loudly screeched, "Ogenki desu ka!" ("How are you?"). This was followed by a completely motionless stare of contempt.

Standing in the corner wearing a shirt saying, "VEEP CREEP" was a man of vice. "Excellent!" lauded the human creep.

The Oval Office monster was confused and sought understanding from the man of vice. "What did he say? What did he say?"

"I'm not sure, but I think he told us to go fuck ourselves. God, I like that in a man," breathlessly replied the creep.

"I like it too then!"

The Sarcastic Samurai relaxed his stance as he pondered if he were on the world's most bizarre candid camera episode. But comfortable now in a state of delusional acceptance, the monster poured forth its woes:

"You see, it's the people - they just don't understand my vision - it's from God hisself you see - life is just a fantasy! - and I'm living my beautiful dream. But the people have a problem knowing this and loving me like God. I have to be frankly, I thinks people have a complete understanding of what I do."

"No, you moron!" interjected the creep. "You're supposed to say they have no appreciation of what you do!"

"Oh..." apologized the monster wearing its "I is your god" shirt. It nodded towards the veep creep. "What he said."

"Well," posed the samurai in feigned thought, "I suppose you could blow your brains out and call it victory."

The monster was very excited by the idea of victory but was cut off by his creepy partner. "Fuck him! Fuck you bastards with your goddam truth. I'm going to skull-fuck the truth right out of every one of you sons-a-bitches! What do you think of that?"


The samurai shrugged. "I think you should lick my shoe." Then he added with a smirking raised eyebrow: "What do you think of that?"

The creep licked his lips. "I think that's hott!" But as he made his move to the floor, the lightening flash of a sword erupted and a thud was heard with the rolling head of the creep. The samurai shook his head. "You people are too stupid for sarcasm."

"Awesome!" declared the monster president. "Can you do that to Iraqis, too? I promise to say you're doing God's work and spreading freedom!"

"A most tempting offer!" Sarcastic Samurai mused. "If only it weren't for that pesky soul!"

"Yeah..." agreed a crestfallen monster. "I hate mine too." Then, with tears in its eyes: "Have you no advice how to makes things better for me?"

"Indeed I do!" replied the samurai, sheathing his weapon. "Love your neighbor as do yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

It's difficult to describe the movements the monster made on hearing that. It was as if one could physically see its internal struggle to digest the words. Then came the venom: "That's sarcasm isn't it? I'm on to you now! You don't care about me! You don't care about anyone who doesn't benefit you! You're all about you, thinking you know right from wrong when the only thing you care about is selfishness. That's your god! I read about folks like you in my Bible. In the end, you guys are always exposed and hated!"

Sarcastic Samurai applauded. "There you have it! Well done!"

President monster blinked his eyes rapidly in confused excitement. "You mean I'm right??"

"Absolutely! I think there's no doubt as to your legacy now." The samurai motioned to the severed body of the veep. "Now be a good boy and clean this up. I'll be back later to piss on your head."

"OK! Thanks!" As the monster bent over the dead body, he was heard to mumble over and over, "He said I have a legacy! He said I have a legacy!"