What's the point of living to die? What's the point of taking another mouthful of food? Why speak of a tomorrow when there's no today? Why speak of today when there's no tomorrow?
Some say I am too negative; stay blind to the human heart; the Germans are good people; a child's bike was fixed for free once; give hate a chance; compromise; life is never as bad as it seems. The think if they believe only good things only good things will happen. All lying starts with fear - especially the lying to oneself.
To where can I run anyway when surrounded by the hopeless, the helpless and the hellish? How does one switch planets? How does one reason with monsters? A dog is never better than its master. Some jeer as we pass by. As soon as we die their problems will be solved they say with their lips. All lying starts with fear.
And what of Debby? Am I never to become the man I was supposed to be? Am I to die entangled in this spider's web having never tasted love? Why is it it's only the men without love who are allowed to make the decisions? It's an upside down world where the dreamers are heretics and the destroyers' dreams come true. How much woe must there be before God says, "Enough!" How far must we run from love before we say, "Enough!"
Oh, that I could will the breath out of my body. Oh, that the lie could have value. Oh, that the trapped fly could find meaning in its life. I age a lifetime with every mile. My inertia is to do nothing, let the river flow me over the cliff of doom. How does one pray against gravity's law? On whom can I war? How must I have failed to suffer this fate of endless cruelty. Certainly my captors have failed absolutely, dust under Jesus' feet.
A mother slaps me in bitter anger. I tell her child God is in Heaven but there's only us here. I say that life is Love but the world is what we make it. But the she-wolf has madness in her glaring, murderous eyes. Parenting reveals all wounds, a breeding ground for caustic conservatism. But if we make an enemy of responsibility we become as our captors.
"No one thinks twice of an unemployed man's death." I remember thinking that witnessing the starving in the streets. The same lie of "It's their own fault" is now being used on us. It's horror under the sun as we pass through the countryside. It's not that they can't see us, it's that they can't see us as they are. But we're all the same, illusion has won the day. No need to hide the evil, a new dawn in Germany. Will she sing the same song at the end of the day? The dogs of war always turn on their masters.
I just want to live. Why does a man have to shoot me for that? "It's you or me," he believes. But in gaining his life he loses it. Where are the heroics in that? It's the soldier who disobeys, who dares to set us - and himself - free who is the true hero. Who has that kind of courage? Put on whatever clothing you wish, life does not change. A man must own his thoughts or die a useless boy.
I am limp, my eyes half shut. How farcical we must look from the sky going through the motions of life! I espy a woman's leg I would normally lust for in my indulgence. But that's a lifetime ago when such folly could be tolerated. Now there's only death, to be buried alive. May that I be an instrument of God, to facilitate forever death of doom's deliverers by honest words.
It's only the fearless old men holding council who make me feel good. They have no time for anything but the truth. They dismiss the protests of cowering parents who cover their children's ears. Tell me again how we're better off making a lie safe? Even we deride our prophets as preachers. But it is as the old men say. The same number of people who can help us is the same number of people who could help Jesus on the cross: everyone, and no one.
Actually, it's not fucking funny at all
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