But he loved European cafes with their sense of instant community for any wandering soul (well, not so much for tourists). And at this point Goupil was desperate to connect to anything. If only he could stay in that cafe forever as he flashed back to the genesis of his path...]
All music starts with the heart:
"Love is real. Heaven does exist. If I become one with her, my body could die and yet I would live forever..."
Goupil thought of nothing but Diana. He dreamt of conversations with her, of long walks in the warm evenings, of exploring her every inch in innocent wonder and devouring passion. She completed him, an answer he never knew he sought. This touch of tenderness, this delicate flower of light graced his life and brought sweet nectar to his long starved lips. As the longstanding miasmic mist evaporated from his eyes, Goupil gazed wide-eyed at the harmonies of the world he'd been missing. Where had his head been all this time?
"So strange this string of events...I thought God was avenging my deadly deeds, but could it be...is the universe conspiring to save me?"
Though he admitted it to no one, the nightmare arrest brought a curious relief to Goupil, ending a way of life he secretly - even to himself - tired of and loathed. How else could it have ended? If one plays a game, one should expect to lose sooner or later. C'est la vie! But the "sex offender" label irked him to no end and his judge, jury and therapist condemned him to life in the lower depths with their closed-minded contempt. But were these not the same events that led him to Diana, that freed him to find his one true love? His one moment of human failing caused the chain reaction that led to her doorstep. "Thank God for getting caught" - words Goupil thought he'd never utter.
"But could she possibly feel the same way as me? That is too much to ask. She has not lived a bent life such as I."
Like many unfound souls, Goupil kept his life compartmentalized, headed on a collision course with revelatory reality. Asleep in the night, one compartment spilled into another with no regard for any concern of Goupil's, his image dissolving in an irreversible mess. Diana's love pressured him with a new desire to become whole. The life of "glorious nothingness", once his most trusted friend, showed itself as the true enemy it was. But this new direction towards intimacy was one for which he not prepared - Goupil was losing self-control and turning into the kind of sucker he'd so long despised.
Today is the day. Goupil knocked on the well-inlaid door holding his dreams. So many barriers between him and her! He imagined the moment once more - the moment of telling her true. He was walking on the clouds - but who would believe such a thing is possible!
"I have something I want to tell you."
The spirit affair had progressed to the point of dubious trust, each wanting to know the other as a matter of life and death. She did not speak, giving him the space for courage he seemed to be needing.
"I love you."
Diana instantly covered her irrepressible smile with her hands to hide her reaction. But she knew one thing Goupil did not: her fidelity was not just to her husband but also to her weaknesses. What were her feelings for him but a threat to her life? Her pride, her vanity, her need for approval separated her from her dreams.
"But you don't know me."
"I know what's important!"
"But you don't need me."
Goupil stood back, stunned. How could she say such a thing? Is she merely wishing to deny me and my feelings? I must not show her how I feel! Goupil lost his conviction, doubting the wisdom of his attempted confession. He stammered and staggered his way out the door, sure he'd made a fool of himself, a coward revealed.
During the infamous lost-in-time drive back, Goupil's world cratered in on itself, his garden of life dying before his very eyes. "No! This is not happening!" he wailed even as he knew it to be true. The petals of tenderness fell forever through his fingertips and his lifeless body was heaped upon the world's pile of dead lovers that waits only for time to end.
Separated forever...must cut all ties to survive...and i have what to offer...just nothing...but our love was true...i could never explain my past life anyway...or my sex conviction...she who needs so much approval...yes i was right to run away...but i must give something to her!...she is everything...i'm only good at one thing...she did not marry love but her love of selfishness...her banker husband, mr. bonus man, feeds the greed...but i shall free her...my parting gift...for this she will thank me
***
CHARLOTTE (AP) Joel Hanssen, a 43 year old banking executive was killed execution style just yards from his office building today. Onlookers say the gunman appeared out of nowhere, surprising the victim and firing two quick shots to the head with a handgun. The shooter focused only on Mr. Hanssen and fled the scene immediately afterwards. Police are attempting to draw a composite picture but accounts are conflicting as to the shooter's appearance. Anyone with any information should contact the Charlotte police department.
Department spokesman Lyle Linkler refused to speculate on a motive at this time but some wondered if this was a vigilante killing and a backlash against the banking industry.
***
Goupil looked up from his early morning coffee as a tall, loud Romanian walked into the cafe with an Othello board, challenging all customers. Jesus, the people who wander in in the middle of the night! But was this strange man's entry real or just more of Goupil's imagining of the surreal movie his life had become, where assassins fall in love and dream they are loved back. And perhaps this fleeing to dreaded Russia was some sort of unconscious self punishment. Goupil looked at the fingers of his hand and wondered of the spirit that made them move...
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