Thursday, April 10, 2008

The New American Patriot!

[Used to be, when an American came home from work and found people inside his house, the invaders got their asses shot off. But now that we are nation of invaders, we welcome intruders with open arms. It's the new way to show your loyalty, it's the new hip: selling out.]


"Whoa, dudes, this is awesome!" yeehawed the Patriot. "What's that thing you're putting in the corner do?"

The two Stormtroopers hated interruptions but felt the need to swat away the gnat. "It's a motion sensor that covers your entire apartment. You can't take a shit without us knowing about it."

"Damn, man, I bet the terrorists are shitting right now just thinking about this!" The Stormtroopers rolled their eyes. "So will I need permission to shit or can I take one any time I want?"

"Anytime you want - for now."

"That's some really bad ass monitoring! I can't wait to put on my "Monitor me, I'm a patriot!" T-shirt. And all this is free too. It's like a KGB Christmas or something." The Patriot's speech was failing to impress. He needed to try harder. "What about black helicopters? I heard you got these choppers with like super powers to take people out. Think some of them might come around here too?"

A testy "Yes" replied the trooper as he tied the TV access line into the monitoring cable to record all viewing. Suddenly, a commotion erupted outside, drawing them all to the door. In the apartment building across the parking lot a man was being dragged out by dark clothed men in ski masks. A van with darkened windows waited for him as he kicked and screamed "Fascists thugs!" and "Jackboot Nazis!" to his abductors.

"Hey, I know that dude, he's a liberal! No lie."

A small crowd had gathered at the noise. The man taken away was the neighborhood liberal whiner and most people were glad to see him go. He was always in their ear about "rights" and "civil liberties" and "justice". No one ever knew what he was talking about. This is America, Land of the Free! We already have those things. Problem child.

One kid even threw a rock as the van drove off. The Stormtroopers made note of this for possible recruitment later. They shook their heads in mock dismay. "Shame not everyone has your sense of patriotic duty, sir."



The praise prompted an orgasmic reply. "There's this dude at work, he's same way as that guy. He doesn't want to do anything to protect us. He'd just let all those crazy people come over and do whatever they wanted! That guy is nuts and says he doesn't want anyone knowing what he does!"

The Stormtroopers, guardians of America, were reassuringly confident. "Don't worry, sir. He'll be brought into line. There's too much at stake to allow that kind of thinking."

Egged on, the Patriot enthused: "I know! I told him that, for sure. I said if you got nothin' to hide you got nothin' to worry about!"

Striking a pose straight out of Iwa Jima, the Stormtrooper warrior speechified. "It's the war of our lifetime, a life and death struggle for our very survival. Follow us on our noble cause to defeat an enemy who places no value on freedom, an enemy who wants to drape you in a religion of total control, an enemy fighting in the name of God but completely blind to its own evil. Give them their way and all we hold dear will be destroyed."

"We've got to win at any cost! Long live America! Let freedom reign!" spouted an inspired Patriot.

As one Stormtrooper bent down to place the tracking bracelet on the Patriot's ankle, the Patriot continued to opine on the State of the Union to the other. "We're the greatest nation, man. Greatest there ever was! That's 'cause no one's ever valued freedom like we do. People in other countries, they can't give up control of their lives to their government 'cause their governments suck. Damn, I'm proud to be an American. I can hand you my life and know I'll never get fucked over like those losers in France and shit."

The Stormtrooper corrected him. "Well, of course we're going to fuck you over with what we find. It's our job. Anything you do we don't approve of, your ass is ours. These are serious times. We can't expect everyone to be the immature, naive, moron you are. You’re either with us or against us."

The Patriot was shocked and awed. "Wow, nobody can defy you guys!"

"Remember," lectured the steely-faced government instrument, "do what you're told and everything will be fine. Criticize us and you help the enemy. Obey us or the terrorists will win!"


"No problem, dude! Trust me, I'm happy to be serving my country! You lead and I will follow."

[As one Stormtrooper smirked knowingly to the other, they silently thanked the terrorists of the world to grant them such powers over a cowed populace. These two enemies of all free men knew the secret key to success: it's what people know about themselves that makes them afraid.]


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