Motel No-Tell On Planet Hell

It was like a nightmare from which I could not wake at the Motel No-Tell.

First I hear the grunting of a large nude black man with a gorilla mask over his head. Behind him is a well-suited white man with CEO PRICK printed on his back as he deeply penetrates gorilla guy. As he finishes, the black man angrily confronts the courtyard and yells, "Next!"

On a far wall a man is singing and wailing his one hit wonder, rabidly hitting his head against the bricks because he'll "never have that love again."

In the middle of the yard a man was being kicked and beaten in tormented desire - or as they called it: Tongue Fu fighting. The beaten man struggled to his feet crying, "Who didn't hit me?? I know someone didn't hit me!"

A man in a white robe was identified as the non-hitter. The Beaten Man was livid to his core. "Kill him! Kill him NOW!"

"Now you will pay for not hitting!"

The fighters proceeded to murder him in the worst way possible and when someone asked Beaten Man why he rationalized, "Because he's not like us and will betray us. But after he's safely dead we'll declare him a savior who died for our sins making us saved. Brilliant, huh?"

Along the perimeter I noticed a string of explosives. A group of children was placing detonators in them. "They think we don't know what's going on but we do and we're going to blow this place back to hell!"

One man panicked as he noticed the impending doom planned by the children. "Hey, look, we'll be blown up if we don't do something!"

The CEO barked, "Shut up! I'm busy!" The Tongue Fu fighters laughed, "We don't have to care. We are saved!" The head banging zombie singer slurred, "It sounds like a hit!"

Although with only a few minutes left to spare, the motley crew assembled for a press conference. Gorilla man put on his judge's robes. The CEO proudly displayed his instrument of profitable rape. The fighters put on their priestly collars. Dead head crooner exalted in an audience at last.

The judge declared the white-robed man's murder to be "absolutely legal - no appeal!" The priests displayed their bloody faces saying, "We've been persecuted for our sins!" One Hit Wonder guy confidently proclaimed the constant banging of his head against the wall "has finally fixed me! Everything seems great!"

Those were the final words spoken before the great blast which I heard as I myself was fleeing far into the desert. The explosion left no stone in place. In front of me was a sign designed to enlighten me: "Desert = death! Do not enter!"

CODA: Later I was banned from MSNBC's Morning Joe for insinuating Supreme Court Justice Uncle Tom Thomas was regularly sodomized by a real estate CEO who'd inherited all his wealth. Sorry, not sorry. Got to call them as I see them.

Forget What You Know

When the police give a lie detector test, they start with a few innocuous questions to measure your reaction.

"Place of birth?"

"I can't answer that."

"Sir, this is not a game."

"You'll be upset. I could tell you and you still wouldn't know."

"Just answer the question."

"The Dog Star, as you call it. Sirius."

The two detectives and the man running the lie detector sighed at one another.

"I can't accept that as an answer."

"Does it show as a lie?"

"I need an honest answer to set an honest baseline."

"I gave you one."

The tall detective spoke up. "You're from another planet? That's your story."

"Not everything is as it appears. Forget what you know."

The men queried each others' faces.

"You're going to sit in that chair until you answer truthfully."

"No, I'm not going to sit in this chair unless you can prove I'm lying."

"Look, pal," said the short detective. "I don't care what kind of game you're playing, we won't stand for this."

"Your game. Your rules. I'm following them, you're not. No way I can stay in this chair if you don't accept the truth."

"Is that right? You going to zap us with a ray gun?"

"There are no weapons in space. That would be complete insanity, like devising something to blow my own arm off."

"How convenient: 'no weapons in space.'"

"There's a structure to the universe you clearly do not understand."

"Well, buddy, I'll tell you what I do understand -"

"Your violence speaks for itself. You are at war with yourself, you can see it in your eyes. Once you move beyond that, the universe will pour forth, simple as that."

"We're not interested in the universe, only our investigation."

"Th universe is your investigation. Open your eyes! You're crying out for it, pleading for hope and an everlasting way to life."

"If you keep refusing to cooperate we can only infer the worst."

"Infer as you please. I have not spoken falsely. Search within and ask yourselves. Determine for yourself what is right and what is wrong. Anything else is a betrayal."

"How is it we can make you understand we don't care about the universe??"

"You might as well say you're not interested in breathing - while you do exactly that!"

"OK, I've had enough of this. But I'm going to get this much on the record: you know so much, tell us just what the universe is."

"You already know."

A murderous silence entered the room. Up and down reversed. The three inquisitors instinctively felt the urge to kill. The angriest of them exploded.

"I can tell you one thing! I can tell you what the universe is NOT! It's not LOVE!!"

The Battle Within (Here But Not Here)

The butter was melting and the popcorn was popping as Jamison waited on my living room couch. It's not often I get to inflict my Asian passion on someone. Today he was going to meet one of the all time great film characters: the blind swordsman Zatoichi.

I was hoping to provide something I rarely got during my own homeless bouts: a reprieve from the constant bombardment of scorn and soulless judgments. It felt almost too good to be true, that somehow God was slipping up to let this slide through the net of daily torment.

And I wasn't being completely selfish: Jamison already loved samurai films.

I put the popcorn down in front of him when:

"Man, I can't do this. I gotta go."

I knew that disturbed, lost tone - I've used it myself. But I had to say something.

"Dude, you're homeless! Where you gotta go?"

"I just do. Got too much on my mind."