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Somebody somewhere out there right now is asking, "WHY?"

Why did it happen? Why the pain? What does it mean? Is more madness to come?  Where is hope?

They're praying for answers like a Jew in a box car, but none shall come. Mystery is thy name.

But now, I'm no longer alone. Welcome to the world.

****

Deep Ellum is the crowded nightclub district of Dallas. A girl was shot there Saturday night, maybe from a passing motorist or maybe from a rooftop. No one really knows. It's suspected a silencer was used. Police have no suspects and no motives at this time.

I'll never forget the screams of horror from her nearby girlfriends. They can't believes their eyes but they have to, no political spin to help. Lives changed forever, no going back. For them, the morning sun will never be as bright.

A few will become professional victims. Sill others will withdraw into permanent suspicion. Maybe one will survive the devil's guilt of having not been shot to live a normal life.

I just aimed at a group of girls as I was driving by. The loud music spilling onto the streets gave cover to my homemade silencer. I just couldn't stand the thought of being alone with my fate any longer.

I scour news everywhere for every last crumb of a word. That's me they're talking about! Camera footage sought. Tip line. Quotes from bystanders. It's like a transfusion of life.

I debated yelling out, "Get a job!" as the shot was fired. That's only because I can't get one. Like that girl, I too have been sentenced to death. They tell me I could be a dishwasher or school bus driver or some other form of slow suicide. Of course, no one who tells me to hold these jobs has these jobs. No bribe to look the other way for me.

Soon the attention will be gone, just another cold case file. I'll be wondering for some time if the police will show up on my doorstep. There might be a lucky break but, really, those only happen on TV shows. Real life doesn't have an acceptable plot line for the big screen. No one wants to know the real truth.

The world is cruel and getting more cruel. Like those girl's friends, I have no answers nor hope to find any answers. We live in an unspoken club.

Some spread love. Some spread pain. But we all spread something good or bad, no exceptions.

I'll never know what I could have been if I could have been. That's my nightmare. Who can I be if I don't get to be me?

She's Coming Back!

Now I have to re-think everything.

Out of the blue I get a letter. She wants to see me, to save me, with enough money to last rest of my life.

So she doesn't want me to die.

When you're a zero, everything is the opposite of what it's supposed to be (a working class zero is nothing to be). So how is this happening?

Like I said, I have to re-think everything. As a zero, destroying yourself is a good thing.

But if I'm actually not a zero, then my self-destructive behavior can no longer be a moral thing.

Damn.

The letter said her life is empty, decades of lies hollowed her out. She needs something real.

She loves me! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

But wait. She must be deceived. She thinks I'm not a zero. I only feel like something when I'm with her. But what can a zero have to offer?

Zeroes don't deserve to be saved. How could my judgment be wrong? The right thing to do is betray her so she'll see the light of what I actually am.

Letter said she wants to stop at a "Texas store" before coming to see me from the airport. That made me feel good, like there's something outside of me that makes the trip worthwhile.

I go get my gun. I feel like a real bastard but there's no other way. I have to un-deceive her. Only then she'll understand what a blessing I gave her being out of her life.

By shooting her I can prove my integrity, of knowing my true worth, not lying to myself. Otherwise, she'd just find out on her own and then I'd really be cooked. It's just a matter of time.

I heard the rental car pull up in the driveway. One thing I know for sure is she hasn't screwed up her life the way I have. Yeah, maybe she's made some mistakes but nothing on the scale I have.

I just can't face her. I look down at my loaded revolver then hide it behind my back as I get up to open the door. She's got a big surprise coming to her but the truth will out, I always say.

I flash my Judas smile mixed with curiosity of how she is. Part of me wants to surrender and throw myself into her arms and falsely believe I can have a future.

The urge is overwhelming but I remain strong and resist doing what I want instead of doing what I should. My will be done.

She too has a smile but something is hidden in her eyes. Must be the delusion I'm worth saving. Well, time to correct that.

But as I whip my arm from behind my back I notice she also has one arm behind her and she too draws out a gun.

"Oh, that Texas store," I remember thinking as my last thought.

The guns fire simultaneously, dropping us both. The neighbor's dog starts barking. We fall to the ground, each trying to assassinate our coming revelation. Romeo and Juliet got nothing on us.