I was forced to decision. "Ask me five times first."
This phrase, it just come out. I not want to say yes. I not want to say no. She asking me to take big step forward, a commitment for life. She desperate lonely and I want to be hero. And now, as I write here, I must confess what can't be confessed.
It true all my life been horrible bad until I meet Simone. Is true world is bad place no matter what constant commercials say. And it true much the wrought pain is unjust and unneeded. But I didn't have to go bad. I need believe better of myself.
When I start my career killing real reason is because I murderer already. These writings I keep in English because French make it too real. In other language it make it seem I maybe write about someone else.
Simone was glitter in my eyes. God make her perfect to me. I could not think around her and not stop thinking of her when not around. She under my skin and my body heaving convulsions.
If only she not married.
But she want out. That why she look so lonely on cafe sidewalk, this woman I'd always dreamed of. She was sent to save me, I see now. Maybe that why I feel I should save her.
"Will you do this?"
I was forced to decision. "Ask me five times first."
Simone be little older but much farther down road of life than vagabond me. Even so, her marriage did not take her where she want to be. She trapped inside. I would set her free to be with me, Goupil. But my aberrant wasted life before that show her I am fool boy, I fear. I never feel mature around her. Her closeness make me sweat.
"Someone must help me, but who? My husband will end my life."
"I know. It is obvious."
"Will you do this?"
I was forced to decision. "Ask me five times first."
We meet in shadow bamboo. Those times fantasy to my boy eyes, restitution for wounds of childhood. This seem so right it can not be wrong. Life give justice at last! This be turning point, I think to myself. In that I was right. I become most foul person ever, traitor and thief. When career of killing come along I am grateful there is use for someone like me. But I will die this same wretched creature. I wanted...I so, so wanted it to be true...
"He's not who I thought he was. This man is criminal. If the courts ever get to him, he'd be sentenced to jail - or worse."
"This is terrible! You must escape. Is other way than what you ask?"
"Someone must help me, but who? My husband will end my life."
"I know. It is obvious."
"Will you do this?"
I was forced to decision. "Ask me five times first."
To live at last! That is what I think and hope. My denied dreams manifest in shadow bamboo then I live in light ever after. With Simone I am pulled from dark hole and I take what is mine, that was on my mind. The curves of her body infect me with heat. I must repay for this gift one can never repay! I will sacrifice everything for her, she worth my life ten times over. When we have fatal conversation, I must make choice.
"You must kill him. Take him away forever, or I can never be safe."
"Are you sure? Very sure? This be only way?"
"He's not who I thought he was. This man is criminal. If the courts ever get to him, he'd be sentenced to jail - or worse."
"This is terrible! You must escape. Is other way than what you ask?"
"Someone must help me, but who? My husband will end my life."
"I know. It is obvious."
"Will you do this?"
I was forced to decision. "Ask me five times first."
******
I need be sure. I need be something. I need be somebody. How miserable creature God make us with all our needs!
Second time Simone say how approving she be of someone who save her. She fool to marry this man and to ask someone to get her out of own mess she make, who can not revere act like that? I can prove so much to her.
Third time she say she worry she not worth saving. This angel! Not worth saving? Never! I tell her nothing farther from truth. She most valuable person in world. Was like in movies.
Fourth time she bring her tears. I feel great fear. I feel maybe I be same like cruel husband if I not save her. Maybe even coward not deserving woman. This fear nearly put me over edge. But I need hear five times. Something still missing.
Fifth time I tell her not to speak. It come to me what bother me. I say to her that final ask be this: give me your wedding ring. With that I can know, I tell myself. This she does and I wear ring on gold chain around neck to this day, never take off. I keep her close to my heart that way. Sometimes I wonder what happen if I break that chain. Then I remember it's all I have - all I ever have.
******
I decide to be direct. I am moral hero so why not? I go to her townhouse to talk to this bad man, secret gun in pocket. I leave no room for doubt. Every step from train to house I remember. Muggy evening, happy singers in distance strange soundtrack to a kill, I think at time. Window lights warm and inviting. Every instinct say not do this! The cruel world turn friendly at just wrong time. I must plow ahead and not pay attention to this trick.
"Monsieur Auberjonois?"
His face was not what I expect when he answer door. I not see meanness Simone describe. More tricks of the world! But we sit and talk and yes, I like the man. I can not see me killing him. I start think no wonder Simone like bum like me, a nobody with no future. No real man would be sitting here like this, talking to good man she plan me to kill. My world come crashing down. I have everything wrong! My stomach feel sick. My head spin. I have to leave I tell him - and if God take my life on way home I not complain!
Halfway to train I see her heading my way to her townhouse. Simone is all smiles.
She thinks I did her deed! She laughing at me! Mocking fool boy! Never day will pass I don't hear her laugh in my ears rest of life. Who can ever take? Any good always too good to be true!
"I see your husband," I tell her.
"But how - "
"Do not ask how! Do not ask anything of me! I am idiot for ages. All heaven mocking me. You really think this can happen?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course! I am too stupid to see, you think! I not live with this. I ready to kill so kill I will!"
Running into night like sad dream, drowning in darkness, streetlights like spotlights, faces like judges, sounds of tormented beasts echoing in ears, falling, falling, falling. Never again dare I to believe in me. If I just stay true to my rotten truth I never fall for her and hope that can never be. Most time of that night lost to me. Just feelings I remember. Never a soul so lost.
When dawn come and light arise I ask myself why world bother with new day. What can it possible bring? There's no point to anything, life gone till end of time. End charade already. I spend morning in bottomless sorrow hiding inside abandoned industrial building. Small voice tell me go out anyway to see what I can see. I curse that voice a fool but do anyway because total black hopelessness killing me.
Was not husband I meet. Was husband's brother. I shoot Simone for nothing. Later, true enough, real husband sentenced 36 years in French prison for sex crime ring. Pain of this never far. What is proper retribution on me? If only I keep faith in her. That she could like me was miracle of miracles and had it been so my life change forever better. Instead, it forever worse. I am Greek tragedy. Crucify me in worst way. I do not know how to bring Simone back. I wish I never born. Beware the flint in my eye.
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