Obama Negotiates With Hitler!

Many celebrities were on hand
for the press conference

WASHINGTON (AP) President Obama today unveiled what he described as "an historic agreement providing millions with relief from a fate no human being should ever face under any circumstances." Under the new agreement a "staggering" 33% reduction in the number of Jews sent to concentration camps was announced amid much fanfare and celebration. Many well-fed pundits declared this a stunning political victory for the White House.

Negotiations dragged on for the better part of a year, often turning acrimonious between Obama and what he termed "unrealistic progressives". The President's voice ringed with bitterness against those "who would make the perfect the enemy of the good" while lavishing praise on Republican Nazi dictator Hitler for reaching the compromise. As part of the deal the Obama administration agreed to forfeit the assets of all Jewish businesses and "run all the Jews out of Hollywood" for those allowed to remain free.

The President however did note that it would in fact be ideal to halt all Jewish death camps but "Gosh darn it, those Nazis just won't let us." Despite resistance from the Progressives Who Believe All People Deserve To Live party, many Leftists Who Sold Their Souls For Political Power were brimming with praise for the agreement. "With this reduction it will take vastly longer to extinguish the Jewish population whom I'd like to say are some of the finest people on the face of this earth. This agreement also allows us to give up and stop worrying about the death camps altogether as we allegedly promise to do something more about them at a later date. Haha!"

Republican Nazi leaders are reportedly "furious"
at what they call "unjust demonization" of the
death camps by "vicious hate groups".

When Republican Nazi leader Hitler was questioned about the agreement he feigned outrage and decried the "tactics of fascist implementation" over what he called America's core values. "That man has no right to take away my right to fuck people! His problem is he wants to give away our money to the Jews but I'm preserving America by taking it back for myself!" When asked about Obama's praise of him the maniacal madman emphasized the President "is a fucking useful idiot!"

When informed of his huge hemorrhaging in the polls after the bill's passage indicating a massive return to power for the Republican Nazi party, President Obama appeared chagrined and conciliatory to the Nazi butchers. "I just want to make it clear that I intend to work harder to reach across the aisle and enable my murderous colleagues." He admitted that no person or party "had a monopoly on wisdom. I would like to make it clear that I do not intend to take away anyone's right to fuck people as I fully support the American way of life!"

I's sorry, boss!

White House aides, stung by vehement Nazi criticism the President was a "Jew lover", are rumored to be working on a plan to "fuck the Jews royally. It's not like they count politically as long as nobody cares what happens to them." Naive pundits declared this a sly move on the President's part as he appears to stay above the fray while he cuts backroom deals in humiliating appeasement. Obama has long made it well known his goal to unite all sides onto the same page.

"I know I'm a good guy because I believe there's room for everyone, including the Republican Nazis. I respect their point of view, unlike the goddam Progressives with their complete lack of judgement. I am a pragmatic President, one who supports endless war, funding investment banks at the expense of the working class, leaving out-of-control greed unfettered, suspending civil rights and violating international law when it's politically expedient. Everyone should love what I do or the bad guys will win!"

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