Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Dragon With The Girl Tattoo

"How did this happen? How did I get here? Where did I go wrong?"

Most would be hard pressed to see she'd done anything wrong. Living in a tastefully furnished, uptown, swank townhouse, driving an expensive foreign import and with no money worries for life, a thousand million bodies would gladly trade places with her - most to feel overwhelmed by such staggering good fortune. As co-manager of her family's antique shop she'd decided to take the day off, an unrelenting pressure building inside her head needing to be addressed.

But here she was a free woman at 27, lying on her leather sofa as the early morning sunshine crept through the drapes while the rest of the world made their way to their slaving jobs praying to make it one more day, and she was spinning, lost on a raft floating in the middle of the universe. With worldly distractions removed she finally faced the hounding thought nipping at her heels.

"No, it can't be. It can't be!"

It was the money. Her money had gone bad. It had once been her most proud attribute her guiltless gold and lovely lifestyle. To have her cake and eat it too - priceless. Somehow that good feeling slipped through her fingers like escaping water unable to be retrieved. Her cash, her clothes, her car - all gone sour. She had lonely money, meaningless paper, empty coins of the realm. One lifeless object same as any other.

The fantasy marriage lasted less than three years before their Icarus wings melted them back down to earth. He was gone forever and until this moment - much as she swore she would never do - she realized she'd been living for that lost feeling, to fly once more in white clouds with white angels. Her eyes, normally so vibrant with life and song, drew inward and opaque. Life was always just supposed to work out for her.

Hey, ring me anytime!

"I'll call a friend..."

Who did not love her warm ways? But would not her heart crumble on this road of vacant eyes? No, she didn't want to have to be "on" for anyone. She had her trustees, her careless suitors, her faithful family, but in this moment she could turn to no one. She stood still, the world revolving around her, moving on, leaving her behind - a frightening fate never before experienced. Take a day off and the whole world changes in the blink of an eye!

Life with the dragon. That was supposed to only be for others, the less fortunate or, frankly, the lesser in life, she an old soul, a strong soul shining as a beacon in a dark world. Like Jesus among the outcast she was, gathering them to her in succor, providing a tower of strength. To whom much has been given, much is expected. Had she broken that holy covenant? Who would be her tower of strength to lean against in this hour of need?

"I'm losing myself!"

Playful vanity of the past mocked her in echoing contempt. Thought you were somebody, didn't you? Reaping riches before your time! No shortcuts in life, my boastful one! So much for self-awareness. Time had come to do better. She knew this time would come. Her husband was supposed to be here for this crisis of conscience, his love to guide her down the perilous path. But now, who?

What had she been doing? She'd been believing her own newspaper clippings of having it made. Her attitude dried up on new relationships. She couldn't keep signing her name "Mrs. Jones" and be the person she needed to be. In her after-marriage pain she had opened up in her struggle to survive but gradually the door slowly closed shut in self-deception. Was she really the person she thought she was?

"I've been running away!"

The clock read ten minutes to twelve, the morning gone in useless despair. How could she explain losing half a day? It'd take half an hour through gnarling traffic to get there but the Uber Upscale Shopping Village still called out to her. One pair of Jimmy Choo’s to show off and she could hear the coos of congratulations of a day well spent. But old tricks didn't work anymore, the dragon barring the way home.

Trapped in uselessness. Love had no use for her money making enterprises. Across the Lake of Life a voice called out to her in faraway, indistinguishable words. Was it cursing her or hailing her? Dare she believe herself a creator, an artist? The fear of living in self-delusion her unbearable, no-way-in-fucking-hell cross to bear. She would not live her life as a fool! But had she consigned her life to foolishness by not pursuing her dreams?

"I want to...give in to my dreams."

That one simple thought breathed life back into her normally thrilling bosom. Eyes softened, lips unfrozen allowing a small smile. Rushing to the window she confirmed a still glorious day, she still a free woman in a world gone mad. Free to find her way back, free to grace her self-discovery. Free to find love anew. The world lay at her shapely feet! Had not a voice from the past once proclaimed absolute faith in her? Suddenly, it all seemed to fit.

Poetress of pain, swinger from the sky, traveler of the twilight she would be - she could be! Why had she cut herself off? Self-pity? False pride? The anger of solitude? Time to let that garbage go! Yes, feeling better now...the door cracks open, creative juices welcome her back...she need not labor in sacrilegious efforts doomed to ignominy. She had lived with one foot in the grave and one foot in the well of heaven, taking equal pleasure in both. Breaking the bondage of indecision, she knew what she must do next.

"I'm going to get me a new pair of Jimmy Choo's!"


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