Harry, Inc.: Resistance Is Futile

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you,
then they find out no one gives a shit about right and wrong
and fuck you twice as hard."

- Mahatma Harry

I should have learned when Pet Rocks became popular...

Let's face it we really are moron muppets of the highest order, crawling to the edge of the branch only to then proudly saw it off. "Look at my systemic faith! I'm proving we can be stupid and live! My life has meaning! I'm doing what they want!"

I live only for the moment to see the look on your face when falling. Sweet!

But no longer am I willing to go down with you. Time for Harry to get on the winning side! Soon I'll be the one peeing on people's heads as they say, "Oh! It must be raining, sir!" Happiness will be dutifully denied in order to serve me. The land, sea and air will be sacrificed for my benefit. Every life needs a purpose and yours will be to hear these words from me:

"You're an asset to the company."

That's right my sagacious stoners, Harry is incorporating! Harry, Inc. - I'll give you a dollar to tattoo it on your forehead. Everyone needs an identity! Be the first Harry Head in your neighborhood! I am your religion!

You see, if I Harry steal twenty bucks from a 7-11 the judge gets all hot and huffy yapping about law and order, the prosecutor froths at the mouth how I am the decay of society and a threat to our future and the jury hides its own sins too by condemning me to hell on earth. Gee, thanks guys.

But if I, HARRY, Inc., steals twenty bucks from you then that's just good business! I'm protecting the shareholders. I'm a job creator - more important than any real Creator. I'll use half that twenty bucks to bribe my congressman to keep letting me steal and next thing you know I'm in the paper as a pillar of the community. See, folks, it's not if you steal, it's how your steal that counts.

That's what religion does to you: it makes you dumb.

No aspect of your life is safe. There's this chick who pissed me off last week so I went straight to her front yard and took a big ol' dump right where she couldn't miss it. She came running out of the house screaming bloody murder but I just looked her right in the eye with a murderous laugh. "You want a job, don't you?"

That shut her ass up. Shut it up so good she got sick of holding in the anger until finally she died. See, folks, she understood: there's really no other way to live, just take it and die! Emotions are unrealistic. Corporate servitude is your ticket to freedom! If you die in the process at least I got an iPhone out of it.

Words of the profits are written on alley walls

Just signing the papers defining me as a living god was hawt, hawt, hawt! Soon as I handed the magical pulp back to the clerk she instantly dropped to her knees. "Please, sir, may I give you a blow job?" Wow, didn't know it would work this quickly! She later explained she used to be a journalist, blindly kissing my corporate ass out of habit.

Fine by me, felt just as good.

Why didn't I think of this sooner?? I can do anything now! God envies me. At first I was scared. Won't people get mad when I shit on them, destroy their lives, endanger their families and rob them of their future? But like a good sociopath I decided to take my moral cues from those around me. I read this and got a boner:

According to Bob Libal of Grassroots Leadership, a group fighting for the abolition of private prisons, corporations like The GEO Group and Corrections Corporation of America, who take over and run existing local, state, and federal prisons — and sometimes build new ones — regularly lobby all levels of government for longer prison sentences “to ensure [for-profit prisons’] interests are met.”

Those interests, of course, are the 90-percent guaranteed prison-bed occupancy rates that the companies pretty regularly get from the government. To that end, for instance, both GEO and CCA pushed furiously for the current law that allows illegal immigrants to be jailed for up to five years prior to deportation — even if their only crime was being illegal.

Fuck, man, I can jail your ass and get a Ferrari to boot - all in the name of justice! Yeehaw! I do love America!

Occupy these handcuffs, asshole!

And remember in Robocop how he was programmed to be unable to arrest anyone who worked for the corporation who created him? Same way with all us bad ass CEO's! Untouchable, baby!

Last night I went to the Top Secret CEO Club And Shooting Gallery. That's where we go to laugh at such things as our Congressional testimony, closing nursing homes and having Obama as our waitboy. "Another cube for my drink, boy!" "Yessir, I won't stand in the way of corporate greed ever! It's the American way!" Trust me when I tell you there's not anyone not in our pocket - anyone who counts anyway.

We had a special screening of the greatest comedy in years: "The Hunger Games". Talk about funny! We had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. Yes, yes - your hunger is a game! You lose, we win! When word got out the film topped the weekend gross a roar of hilarity ripped across the room. Best part is they paid money to applaud their own death!

No king ever had it as good as I. I can hand out death and destruction and yet they still blame themselves! "Oh, I must have done something wrong! I feel horrible not to serve! I deserve to die!" Hahahahaha!

Oh, we do hear the complainers - we love them the most. It's like listening to a slave complain while holding the key to his freedom, refusing to use it. He just wants a better boss, is all. That ain't gonna happen, bitch!

Maybe you're wondering how I can talk so openly. "Wow, Harry, if you tell them you're only out to fuck them won't the sheeple catch on??" Oh, hell no! Better to die than admit you're wrong! We invented money, made up a bunch of bullshit rules requiring it and then pretend there's nothing we can do about it. Boo-hoo!

No, man, there's no way I can lose. I got human pride on my side. Don't be a quitter! Don't give up on living that lie!

In fact, we like it when you think you're smart. How clever to do the bidding of the rich! Sure, it's not working out for you today - but maybe tomorrow! Keep dope alive! You really do have it all figured out. Got to put a gun to people's heads to make them do right!

All I got to say to that is: BANG!

In the meantime while you've immersed yourself in spectator sports and other dandy distractions, we the powerful have written a new constitution for you to follow (and we know what good boys and girls you want to be!)

We the powerful, in order to form a more perfect union (for us), establish justice for sale only, insure domestic division and strife, provide for the common defense contractor, prevent the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty for the rich, do ordain and establish doomed corporate anarchy as the Constitution for the United States of America.