Sunday, June 26, 2011

"Ma'am, Is There A Bomb In Your Diaper?"

Hope you bastards are happy now

I don't want to sit here and say I hate you people. Wait a minute. Yes, I do! You bastards have put me out of work. See, I used to be a satirist but now those days are gone. I turn on the 6 o'clock news and I see stories that used to be my old act. Sorry folks, I just can't out-nuts you whackos.

That's the kind of stuff I used to make up about the SS TSA stormtroopers. I'd have, like, a 95-year-old cancer patient forced to remove her Depends under suspicion of containing a bomb. Then I'd satirize the SS TSA Nazis to be so clueless as to actually defend it! But now the six remaining journalists left in this country write it up with a yawn:

While passing through security, TSA officials "felt something suspicious and they couldn't determine what it was," so they took Weber's mother to a private room.

A TSA agent told Weber that her mother's Depends underwear was "wet and firm and they couldn't check it thoroughly," so the mother-daughter duo left in search of a bathroom to remove the underwear. Weber did not have an extra pair of Depends with her.

I hope they were at least laughing while writing that. But maybe it's only funny when it's still make-believe. In my act I'd have these refugee guards from a concentration camp doing all sorts of crazy stuff like feeling up 6-year-olds and shaking babies. Now, it's just another news day.

How's anyone supposed to hold down a job in this shit hole country!!!??? Soon there's going to be more unemployed than employed and we'll be coming to take your food! Note to future rioters: Get your own riot gear before the cops use it all up. Are there any suckers left who actually think things are going to get better? If so, may I please wet your bed? The TSA Swastika patrol took my diaper.

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