Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Innovation: The Dickhead Detector

"Insert rectally"

Barney Frank said the reason he didn't vote for Iraq war was because he "knew they were lying." Simple as that. But so few others did. Why is that? Why did we put the first great anti-Christ of the 21st century into office - twice? Certainly not because we are a nation of integrity! Even now many are deceived as to the true nature of the Sith Lord President who appears bumbling and benign, and who, doggonit, just happened to keep getting bad advice. Even our incoming President said he "always thought [the anti-Christ 43rd President] was a good guy. I mean, I think personally he is a good man who loves his family and loves his country." Clearly, we are at a crisis point in this country and letting dickheads roam free can no longer be tolerated. It literally gives them a license to kill.

But I have a solution to all that: the Dickhead Detector!

Dickhead detection is vital to the future of this country. Not just in government but in all phases of life. Test that mechanic before handing over your car. Or, "Oh my God, my girlfriend tested 78% Sarah Palin! No wonder she wanted to shoot my pets!" Or even test potential employers - all the dickhead managers will be fired because no one will work for them (but, hey, I hear Lexus is a great place to work!). The possibilities are endless (feel free to share your own ideas) and trust me, I wouldn't be sharing this with you were I not already the patent holder. Yup, won't be long before I knock Bill Gates off that Forbes 400 list.

The further right the indicator, the more severe action required

"Dickheadedness" is a condition caused by a stiff neck, a closed mind and a detachment from reality. I have found a way to measure this condition because certainly not all dickheads are deformed alike. The categories are as follows:

Dickhead (typical moron, think Joe the Plumber)
Conservative (those who make their dickheadedness policy)
War Profiteer (Those who kill for their dickheadedness)
GWB (Those who order others to kill for their dickheadedness)

For those convicted of chronic dickheadedness, we would send to "Love camps" where they would have nightly sing-alongs, holding hands around campfires followed by extended tree hugging. "Be one with the tree! Let nature flow through you!" Many courses would be offered such as "Life after greed", "Sharing 101" and "Why Jesus hates dickheads". Much time would also be spent on sending individual notes of apology to all those they wronged. (Yes, for some that's a life sentence.) Those who reform will graduate with a flower ceremony, dressed in tie-died shirts and rose petals in their hair. For most, it will be the highpoint of their life.

The payoffs would be enormous! Imagine a return to civil discourse! Imagine trust no longer made a liability. Imagine a brotherhood of man with no cretins to poison the well. Imagine everything! The shackles of injustice removed, a society made of dreams and the healing of our planet all made possible. It would be an explosion of life and art never seen before. So let's get rid of the dickheads. Get rid of the dickheads now!

1 comment:

Mama Lou said...

Oh. My. Goodness. Even the smart**s bird had to be laughing at that one. You need to market T-Shirts with the DD on them. After you make MY BIRD T-SHIRT, that is...

I was thinking of sending you one with Eeyore on it. You remind me a lot of him. :P