Thursday, August 21, 2008

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

"One thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside."

I just had to be around people.

I woke from another bad dream with that sinking, end-of-the-world feeling. And in my little corner of the universe the winds blew only cold. In these moments I see no reason. But without the convenience of a timely death I decided to wash away the stench of despair. The only place with life this time of night is a QuikTrip down the road. I huddled in an inconspicuous spot along the periphery and absorbed the vicarious energy from afar. "Not too close, Harry, or they'll run you off!"

"King and Queens and guillotines, taking lives tonight.
"Screams of no reply."

In the shadows I reflected on my latest nightmare. Back in the room I grew up in where no one could know me, the radio played a sad ballad speaking my inner soul. It's funny when I see an authoritarian government mandating only displays of happiness - reminds me exactly of our household. I wanted to leave but there was no way I could open the door to my room with that song revealing my feelings. The radio knob fought me as I tried to shut it off. Familiar feelings of frustration and fury choked me in my struggle. I'd never be able to go if I couldn't silence that song! Finally I got it shut off, the panic passed and I was free to enter the ever-present despair waiting for me. "Quiet, Harry, or they'll know."

"I am the Lizard King. I can't do anything."

After Debby moved away my freefall got so out of hand my father ended up sending the cops over to my place. Knowing they were on their way, my only thought was to destroy the most incriminating piece of evidence. No way can they see this or the full weight of the law would come down on me. So I very carefully tore up my one picture of Debby and flushed it down the toilet. No, sir, no evidence of any feelings here. The cops left empty handed. "Whew! Close one, Harry."

"Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marks."

It was years before I realized I destroyed that picture for no reason. Things destroyed for stupid reasons is a theme for me. Meeting Debby forced me to face up to the fact I was completely unprepared and unable to have the kind of relationship I wanted. A murderous rage surged through me when hit me. I dearly wanted to kill my "parents". They had cheated me. I had cheated me. My name was not be written in the Book of Life.

"Close the door, put out the light. Nobody will be home tonight.
There is No Quarter."

I think I know what triggered this dream. In the losing war against boredom I picked a used Japanese novel written just after WWII. A couple of passages really got to me, throwing cold water on these drunken days of mine:

"In the manic phase, Kenzo would feel on top of the world, as if he were already a full-fledged medical doctor, a Ph.D., and the member of the faculty of a prestigious medical school. When he was depressed, though, he became convinced his talents were mediocre, his existence worthless, and his dissertation a total waste of time. The wisest thing, he would think at these emotional low tides, would be to throw himself under a train, because there was nothing for him to contribute, and no place in the world where he could ever feel at home."

"Not just criminals, but martyrs and celibates too; what they all have in common is deep feelings of guilt."

Oh shit, here come some useless teenagers. If they see me writing my feelings in this pad they’ll kill me. I’ve got to run.

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