Interview with a Vampire Queen

Seems the Furor of our good burg here was not fond of my fair and just criticism of her diabolical efforts. Plans so evil word was spread across the land of her fiendish fantasies. Mayor Laura Miller, a mayor who will live in infamy.

Undoubtedly tormented by her inner demon, she begged to receive audience with me. So how would I, a homeless man, respond to her, a rapist of the homeless? My first response was, shall we say, somewhat negative. But then I remembered I am the bigger person and her sad little life needed my approval. Reluctantly, I acquiesced. I did feel that somehow I should get paid for enduring this.

Dallas City Hall is actually no stranger to the homeless. We pee on it often. Or used to anyway. Now I'm being invited in - escorted no less - to an appointment with the face of evil herself. Amazing what a few words of truth can do. I wonder if her first response to me will be, "Off with his head!"


Not wanting to ruffle feathers, upon entering the Berghof office I staunchly saluted with an enthusiastic "Zeig heil!". But she dismissed this as you can see in the following interview:

Evil Person: "Oh, no need for that. That's like, so yesterday. I'm a queen now!" (Giggles and a small hop)

Good Guy: "I hear you have a new plan on feeding the homeless since reading my remarks."

Evil Person: "Like, totally! I found a much better way. Are you ready?? How about: 'Let them eat cake!'" (Painfully wide plastic smile)

Good Guy: "I, uh-"

Evil Person: "Great plan I know! I read about it in a book. Those other people want to give them icky old sandwiches but I'm much nicer to them! And that's not all!"

Good Guy: "Your compassion overwhelms me."

Evil Person: "Oh, gag me with a spoon!" - suddenly that thought sounded very appealing - "I also read where you can make special beds for them they're really gonna like."

Good Guy: "Totally?" I squirmed eyeing her "Eugenics for Dummies" book.

Evil Person: "They are so rad! They'll be snug like a bug in an oven." - mixed metaphor alert - "It'll be a gas!"

Good Guy: "What a helpful person you are!"

Evil Person: "I know! Aren't I wonderful! I'm a princess and my royal eyes cannot look upon such ugly people. I want everything to be bright and cheery for me!"

Good Guy: "But Milady, I am a homeless person. You are seeing me now."

Evil Person: "Oh my!" The princess felt a pea under her mattress. "You're right. Guards! Off with his head!"