"Oh, fuck no! I hate the President."
Have to admit that answer threw me. Part of me said ask no more but I persisted.
"The President, huh?"
"That's right! That cocksucker is ruining everything! I ain't getting jack fixed until my guy is in office."
That's some serious petulance, I surmised. Or, was it something worse?
"So you think that missing mirror will get the President out of office?"
"Damn skippy, it will! I'm a victim! Iffen I fix that I can't call me a victim no more."
At that point I was tempted to ask his favorite brand of glue to sniff.
"Sounds like a plan," I concurred, much to his delight. "That's quite the martyrdom. But what if you wreck because you can't see approaching cars?"
"Exactly! That damn President don't give a damn if we die! The man is a monster!"
Self-projection will out, I mused, misquoting the Bard.
Later that night I was drowning in my own misery. Working on a million dollar townhouse during the day only to be shuttled back to my shit-hole window-unit-AC dump by a lunatic who was stupid and proud of it got me to thinking: Hey, I can be a loser too!
I have no possible future money-wise. And no woman wants to share my futureless future. So, yeah, since I fit the profile, may as well become a senseless shooter. I only plan on killing a couple, not even enough to make the evening news.
No one in my neighborhood can fund the self-pity the way that construction overlord could, so I had some walking to do with my one object of ownership that had any value: my Glock.
Wasn't long before I reached the hood of woefully entitled wealth filled with exhorting yard signs. "President is bad daddy!" "We had an illection!" "The only truth is what's in my head!"
They immediately got down on their knees, begging for their lives, even though both were carrying guns themselves. Must be Uvalde cops.
"Please don't shoot us, sir! We're just a couple of white niggers, not even worth the bullets in your gun."
I stood my ground as they began a helpless wail. Then I tried an experiment.
"Look, if I shoot you now, you can blame it all on the President and tell everyone how awful things are with him in charge."
The whimpering immediately ceased. They looked up at me with tear stained cheeks.
"You'd do that? You'd do that for us, for real?"
"My pleasure!"
"Fire away!"
I shot up their legs so they'd never walk again. They couldn't be happier. I even called the cops on me for them. When the police arrived I showed them the TikTok video I'd made of my encounter.
The two officers looked at each other in disbelief - then to my own disbelief asked if I had any bullets left in my gun. When I informed them I still had half a mag, they squealed like teenage girls.
"Shoot us, too! Shoot us, too!"
Again, here I am capping the ass of two armed men, so I figured I'd double down (as is the fashion) and shoot them dead.
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EPILOGUE:Word spread like wildfire of my shootings and soon I was the darling of the anti-President crowd. I was invited to all expenses paid "shooting engagements" across the country amidst a media circus. Commentators quizzed my willing victims of how they were going to vote for their guy if they were dead. "We doan lissen to no lamestream medias!" they mockingly exclaimed. "We's just vote after we dead. Other side been doin' it fer years!" With a GoFundMe page entitled, "Help take out the President!" I'm now living large and looking at one of those million dollar townhouses myself.
Ya know, the great thing about modern day grifting is you can do it right out in the open! Sure, I hear those talking heads all outraging themselves at my ill-gotten gains, pointing out exactly what I'm doing to stone deaf ears,but none of them ever lived in my old dump, neither. Nope, I'm here to tell ya, folks, there's money in morons and I'm here to take it!"
