The Political Man

Top Hat Joe preened his way down the boulevard in the pseudo-passionate pontificating way to which he had become accustomed. Beside him was Eddie, who knew no better but was certainly grateful Joe did.

"Eddie, my good friend, I'm telling you there's much of the world you need to learn. Having had the honor to serve in a parliamentary body myself, I can tell you things are never as a simple as they seem! Compromises must be made, deals struck, alliances made. It's the political man's job to save the world from itself."

"Is that so, Joe?"

"Indeed it is! In order to do good deeds for the masses I've had to make deals with the devil! You see, if you one side wants to kill all the Jews, and the other side none of the them then one simply splits it down the middle and kills half the Jews. If both sides are unhappy one knows one has made a fair deal!"

"Is that so, Joe?"

"Oh, Eddie, I could go on for hours listing the subtleties and intricacies of we godlike creatures in the political realm. It is simply thrilling!"

"Hey, Joe, look down the street. Ain't that your wife being attacked there by that man?"

Sure enough, a well-suited man was tearing off the clothes of Joe's spouse.

"Say there, my good man. It's too early for me to resort to violence as that would involve second-guessing your possible motives since perhaps you plan to stop at any moment as far as I know but I must say I certainly protest your current course of action in the strongest possible terms!"

The man continued attacking unabated, Joe's wife nearly stripped. Eddie urged his companion to act.

"Joe, do somethin'! She just about got nothin' left on her!"

Joe whipped out his ever-present notebook on which he often scribed his genius thoughts that need be saved for time immemorial. "I am, Edward, I am. I am composing the most stinging of editorials on this man's inexcusable and shocking behavior. I have friends, I tell you! Friends in high places who will have this published post haste!"

Joe's wife was now on the ground, stripped and positioned for final assault from her attacker.

Eddie urged once more: "Joe, do something!"

"I'm getting feedback now! Yes! Yes! Everyone concurs with my position most favorably! You hear that, sir? I do not wish to anger you but you must know you stand isolated in your stance by the wider community. To wit, I've been informed you are a shop owner of which no one will patronize until you cease this activity! You may wish to reconsider your behavior, I say!"

Joe's wife screamed, "Someone, please help!"

"Joe, I got my gun right here. I can just shoot the son-of-a-bitch."

"Eddie, my good man! You know full well that firearm is not licensed. Its use would be completely lawless and against the rules!"

"Rules? There's no rules in a street fight! It's kill or be killed."

"Rules and regulations are what give us a future. We must respect the law, I have signed no formal treaty with her. One must consider the geo-political implications, you senseless fool! Do you want to get us all killed?"

"Dammit, Joe, if he's dead no one need worry about that, do they?"

"I'm bleeding!" cried out Joe's wife.

"Joe, she may die!" Eddie exclaimed. "Can't you see nothin'??"

"Sir! Sir! I must warn you I plan to most vigorously prosecute you after you're done!"

Joe began texting furiously within his political circle, debating various strategies to alleviate the situation. Then, slowly and cautiously, he picked up a large stick off the ground and slipped it into his wife's hand. "Fight back, honey! Fight back. You can slow the rape and very likely delay the use of his knife!"

Joe looked back at Eddie expecting to see an approving look of Joe's cleverness but Eddie only shook his head in disdain.

"And here all this time I thought you knew somethin'! Turns out you ain't nothin' but a moron, without the sense God gave you! Now tell me somethin', Joe. Just what you gonna do if she dies now 'cause she already done been raped. Just what you gonna say then!!"

Joe first straightened his top hat so as not to appear unelectable, then resigned himself to say the speech to which he'd already rehearsed:

"Eh, she's Ukrainian."