[Editor's note. This is a transcript of a recording made shorty before Goupil's suicide. He must have felt it was too personal to commit to paper and only by luck was the cassette noticed and saved. That said, perhaps this is the most important piece in the puzzle that was Goupil.]
I am liar. Everything with my life is lie. Yes, I kill many, but this I feel is greatest crime. Do not forgive me.
End is near. I not know how or when but is coming. I feel to tell this truth, it will happen in stupid way but happen it does. So best to confess while is time. My voice heavy in grieving. It never stops. Never will.
Some ask: why assassinate? I tell why. I tell why all assassins are: because that's what we are. If this sound obvious then you never listen to me. Assassins are made, not born. It is not a life of choice.
I find about me short after I leaving school. I was lost in the world, doing bad jobs like I expect for me to do rest my life. I write before how I fall into underworld. But I leave out my real first kill: Cheri.
This hard to get out. I am staccato in speaking. Cheri sent to save me, is clear now. For me, she was perfect in every way. But the step for me, from me to her, seem like canyon I can never cross. I know now things change when you face them and maybe had I face her things not as I fear. This I cannot get over.
Oh, the excitement, the ecstasy, just the joy of hearing her voice take me to place of heaven. How could this dream be for me? I am not trusting myself. I run away so she not see me inadequate. But this drive me crazy out of my head. I on roller coaster ride I cannot get off. I can find no relief, my heart ready to explode. I know is life and death.
Then I break.
I kill the one sent to save me. What kind of self traitor do this? I let down whole of universe for gift I refuse. For someone else to have her, this too much for me. That body so perfect - never match since - had to be mine, to be in heaven on top of world like I anyone deserve. Never can I leave this moment, my cheat, this dirty secret of secrets.
Yes, I fall in with bad people after that, leading to life of criminals. But you see? I invite this in! I am not victim of this foul world, I am victim of me, part of the foul. Foul world just excuse I hide behind. This is me, a Judas.
Every killer a Judas. First you kill love in own life then spend rest of life killing others'. You have to, is only way to keep going. Is nightmare of drowning nightmares. See, without dreams is only nightmare left, no middle between. Love is life or death, life is love or death. All killing birthed with cowardice.
So hate me if you must. Many do for many reasons. But no one hate me like I do for I have most knowledge of me. A woman once tell me I have kind heart. This kill me. She not know The Secret that haunt and destroy my life. My whole life since Cheri in this prison. Every liar is punished. I wish not to be these lies that burn down my house, that make you alone in cold world.
I am liar. Everything with my life is lie. Yes, I kill many, but this I feel is greatest crime. Do not forgive me.
End is near. I not know how or when but is coming. I feel to tell this truth, it will happen in stupid way but happen it does. So best to confess while is time. My voice heavy in grieving. It never stops. Never will.
Some ask: why assassinate? I tell why. I tell why all assassins are: because that's what we are. If this sound obvious then you never listen to me. Assassins are made, not born. It is not a life of choice.
I find about me short after I leaving school. I was lost in the world, doing bad jobs like I expect for me to do rest my life. I write before how I fall into underworld. But I leave out my real first kill: Cheri.
This hard to get out. I am staccato in speaking. Cheri sent to save me, is clear now. For me, she was perfect in every way. But the step for me, from me to her, seem like canyon I can never cross. I know now things change when you face them and maybe had I face her things not as I fear. This I cannot get over.
Oh, the excitement, the ecstasy, just the joy of hearing her voice take me to place of heaven. How could this dream be for me? I am not trusting myself. I run away so she not see me inadequate. But this drive me crazy out of my head. I on roller coaster ride I cannot get off. I can find no relief, my heart ready to explode. I know is life and death.
Then I break.
I kill the one sent to save me. What kind of self traitor do this? I let down whole of universe for gift I refuse. For someone else to have her, this too much for me. That body so perfect - never match since - had to be mine, to be in heaven on top of world like I anyone deserve. Never can I leave this moment, my cheat, this dirty secret of secrets.
Yes, I fall in with bad people after that, leading to life of criminals. But you see? I invite this in! I am not victim of this foul world, I am victim of me, part of the foul. Foul world just excuse I hide behind. This is me, a Judas.
Every killer a Judas. First you kill love in own life then spend rest of life killing others'. You have to, is only way to keep going. Is nightmare of drowning nightmares. See, without dreams is only nightmare left, no middle between. Love is life or death, life is love or death. All killing birthed with cowardice.
So hate me if you must. Many do for many reasons. But no one hate me like I do for I have most knowledge of me. A woman once tell me I have kind heart. This kill me. She not know The Secret that haunt and destroy my life. My whole life since Cheri in this prison. Every liar is punished. I wish not to be these lies that burn down my house, that make you alone in cold world.
