Goupil Papers: First Shot Is The Best

[Editor's note: The following is translated from French, Goupil's native language. It is rare when he wrote of his craft but it's clear from this writing he took a certain pride in it and perhaps used his native language in order to be more precise. We can also only speculate as to his motive, but in his final days one sees a pattern of reflection and a search for meaning in a meaningless life; a desire to come clean.]

Many people tell you very angrily to make this your life.
None of them have this for a life, though.

You can ask what is an assassin's enemy. People will give many answers, mainly saying "getting caught". But that is only one of many logistics. No, the true enemy is Uncertainty. In the killing game, whomever has the most certainty wins. This I found out early on, before I became a true professional. It was a dirty hit job before I even left France. A guy needs another guy killed. I'm for hire. I didn't even ask if killing was really necessary. I just knew I had no place in this world.

Every assassin is different. Some scare me. One guy even had a wife and kids like he held down a regular job. He lasted for decades before getting caught. But he was bound to get caught wanting to keep one foot in life and one foot in the world. You have to choose. I guess, in the end, life is about choosing how you die. God blesses very few to live a life here. I never saw myself as one of those. God help me if I was wrong. Then I killed for no reason.

Every professional needs an edge. My edge was in finding a reason to kill my target - even if I had to lie to myself. I had to keep the illusion I was clean. It's true I often felt stupid doing that, but it's how I managed to get by until the one day I could get out. I always knew I was "on the clock" as the Americans say. This killing thing wears on you. Those who wouldn't face that always got caught or killed. That's because if you keep killing you start wanting to get killed yourself.

But first you must face the devil that is Uncertainty. What am I doing? How should I do it? Why should I do it? When should I do it? Everyone deals with this differently. Don't face this devil and you'll be sloppy and short-lived. Bottom life is you have to think it all the way through. (Though over-thinking is another way of not facing the devil). I know these things because, like everyone, I tried not facing the devil. So stupid.

"This is too easy." I still remember thinking that that night in that stinky back alley where I had perfect line of sight on my target lighting a cigarette. "It has to be more complicated than this." So I hesitated. And because of that, it really did get more complicated. Some guy steps out the door and stands next to him, lighting up his own cigarette. "Shit!" I realize I have two choices: I can quit or pay for my mistake and carry on. This was a Big Moment in my life, a turning point.

I fought through my mistake - I fought myself - and forced myself to wait for his next cigarette break. "If he comes out alone, take the shot. All anyone will find is a dead body, no chance of hearing the shot or seeing a muzzle flash. Just make sure your getaway is clear and you're golden." I was lucky to get the second chance when I look back. But the waiting was agony, a million thoughts running through my mind. I knew if I left that night I'd never come back to killing. I did not do what I wanted to do.

A man in this professions once said, "All that matters in the world is money." And that is very true. I figure no matter what I do for money it's something I don't want to do. I cannot be a waiter in a restaurant or closed in office worker or any other of these working creatures I see out there. Once you know how to face the Uncertainty devil, you start this journey where you feel superior to the world and tell yourself you're doing what everyone else is doing but then you hear laughter in the park and feel like the biggest loser in the world.

Innocence. Carefree. Honesty. I don't know these words, I lost them. I broke my own heart. This man who knows say I'm the most intelligent assassin he ever met. He does know what intelligent means. My name is Mystery.