[She may have lost the election but she's baaack! Hero Hillary details the vast conspiracy that aligned against her full of trolls and fools who didn't vote in her best interest. Tonight, she sets the record straight!]
Let's get down to brass tacks. Just exactly whom do you blame for losing the election?
H: Not sure I can really answer that specifically. One thing I do know is: her name isn't Hillary.
And everyone was so mean to you for being a woman! How much do you think that held you back?
H: Women are the niggers of the world so we really don't have a chance - even if we did just elect one twice before. There's no doubt I'm just a penis away from a two-term administration.
Perhaps if you'd worn an oversized strap-on like Miley Cyrus you'd have gained the male backwoods vote.
H: Polling certainly indicated that! But that would have hurt Donald's feelings and it's a woman's role to support men.
Such sensitivity! Is that why you let him breathe down your neck during the debate and make "your hair stand on end"?
H: Absolutely. I quickly calculated and triangulated the effects of playing the victim to an evil man to whom a woman cannot stand up against. Politicians can't risk self-respect anyway, thank God. I was scared shitless!
Come debate ME, Donald Duck!
So what is your definition of feminism?
H: Feminism is proving women can be just like men. Did you see me vote for the Iraq war? Huh, huh? Pretty bad ass!
Why is it you think men don't aspire to act like women?
H: Who the hell would want to act like a woman?
You truly are a great feminist!
H: Been working at it my whole life. It's just one of the many reasons I'm owed the Presidency.
Would you honor us with a list of some other reasons?
H: It's always been my destiny to be President. But being a mere woman I can't afford to have integrity or principles like a man could. The things we woman must go through! Just look at that cunt Bernie. Oh sure, he's for doing the right thing, no one's going to elect his stupid ass. Good thing we women had our thumb on the scale at the DNC, eh?
At least there's one male you defeated!
H: Yeah, but he's a big white pussy. I need the vote of the cap-wearing, tobacco-chewing, wife-beater t-shirt male population. So I correctly calculated the proper stances and the pretended beliefs to be elected. I was only defeated by the electoral college - which, of course, they wouldn't have used if I'd been a man!
Well, frankly, Hillary, that was in play regardless of gender.
H: Are you a traitor to women? And those goddam states where I just barely missed! I've been retabulating the numbers nightly to see how to get those voters back. Hold that election again today and I'd whoop that damn male's ass just like a man would!
But, Hillary -
H: All ya gotta do is just tweak the message a little...maybe add a bit more blue to the logo...spice up the rally...maybe get some strippers...or...
I'm afraid Hillary's microphone has stopped working, everyone. This certainly has been a stimulating, ratings worthy interview. [Turns head from mic. "Can someone stop her incessant mumbling!"] But let this be a lesson to you, folks. Don't lose the easiest election in history to a pussy-grabbing, racist, classist sociopath or you too will spend the rest of your life in denial and perpetual humiliation as a mumbling vegetable.
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