THE DAILY ROMAN

THE DAILY ROMAN Where Truth Comes To Be Crucified

Emperor Caligula Nominates His Horse For Senate In what is considered a daring show of bravado and mockery, Emperor Caligula announced today his prized stallion, Incitatus, would take its place at the head of the Senate. This drew sharp rebuke from many Senators. "This is unprecedented in the history of Rome! Never have we witnessed such outrageous and unbalanced behavior," chided one. When asked if they were ready to break with the Emperor they responded thusly: "Oh, no. We're still hoping to reduce taxes for us wealthy types in order to maintain income inequality." Caligula was said to have taken great glee in the Senators' teeth-grinding consternation. But that only further inflamed the forum. "The Emperor has not yet been able to demonstrate the stability nor some of the competence that he needs to demonstrate in order to be successful," Senator Corkerus railed. "He has not demonstrated that he understands what has made this nation great and what it is today, and he's got to demonstrate the characteristics of an Emperor who understands that." Caligula's supporters, notorious for leading miserable lives, are rejoicing in the chaos he has sewn and look forward to other barnyard animals taking positions of power. "He's a lyin' son-of-a-bitch," crowed one, "but he tells our kind of lies!" Some Senators withheld direct criticism. "Sure, history has shown other countries disintegrating in similar fashion but I believe in Roman exceptionalism and the normal rules don't apply to us. Integrity is for the little countries." By in effect comparing Senators with a horse, Roman citizens have lessened their respect for the august body of the Senate. "Caligula is the only competent one. They are just jealous of him!" opined one supporter. "They say he's tricking us but that's not the case. We want someone as insane as we are and it's time we gave insanity a chance for a change. Nothing has worked before."

New Proposal To Free Roman Slaves Senator Maximus Greedus is "fed up with the free ride we give our slaves. Providing them food, shelter and medical care is an expensive proposition. Enough is enough!" His proposal is to create a radical new system of ownership that "puts the responsibility on the slave rather than the owner for his own well-being." This is claimed to be a critical impetus for responsible behavior instead of the "immoral nurturing" happening at present. The plan proposed will put a cap on expenses spent on slaves. Under the new system, called Capitalus Enslavus, slaves will receive a non-living wage and at that point the onus will be on the slave to provide for his own material needs. If the slave is too irresponsible to meet or maintain his needs then he is replaced with the next one in the queue. The other benefit to this new system is that initial buyer's fees, which can be quite substantial, will no longer be required. Slave traders have voiced vociferous opposition to the new system calling it grossly unfair to the slaves and detrimental to their lives. Senator Greedus also has the largest chain of burger eateries in the empire. He stands to greatly benefit from the new system with its vastly reduced costs and some have called his motives into question. The Senator replied, "This is a moral imperative. Slavery must be abolished. With my new system of de facto slavery we can claim the moral high ground while still enjoying the benefits of chained servitude. Let's be truthful here, there is now and will never be an economy not built on the backs of slaves. Can you imagine the outcry if we stripped our great nation of the ability to serve a burger in under five minutes? The masses must be served!"

GUEST EDITORIAL My fellow Romans, Rome is in a crisis of decay. No more can we turn a blind eye and hope for the best. We are the richest, most powerful nation in existence and may it always be that way. But we are not on that path. Our biggest enemies are not the Goths and Barbarians but rather those who say we can never fall from within and thus do nothing to stem the tide. I know I'm a voice in the wilderness among blind boosters of the empire, souls who betray us by playing on our fears, cheating us out of our tomorrows by swindling today. Our citizens tear at one another's throats as they warily sense our demise. Our emperor is openly mad for the nations of the world to see, making us a target of their long enjoyed envy. Must we keep poking holes in our great ship until she finally sinks? Perhaps, after all, it is our wish to perish. Our choices certainly indicate as such. Cheap politicians will decry these words as the voice of doom instead of a chance for life. If we demur to history to be our judge we will be forever damned. The time to act is now. It takes more than a sword to hold a nation together. I have sought the truth and this is what I found: either we seek a common good or we seek a common death. Remember these words upon witnessing the slaughter of your children and you dare to ask why. Humbly, Senator Lucius Aurelius Cotta