It's so cold...I can't stop shivering...stop! stop!...oh god, please stop...if he starts to notice, i'm dead...first he'll know then the kids then everyone...mommy isn't who she says she is...she's lying about being happy...we should send her away...
why is it the better the house the worse I feel at night?...this is the 'it' place to be...I get compliments that hollow me to the core...what time is it?...oh no, the shivering is back!...I can't control it...I can't get to my happy place anymore...I have the insides of a meth addict...but I can't let my problems become public again...not at any price...
did I waste the life given me?...how can that be with a marriage, wealth and children?...but is it the wrong marriage?...don't ask that...don't ever ask that...it has to be the right one...if jesus comes here and says it's wrong i'll rebuke him...bless my marriage jesus and i'll love you forever...I know you will so I won't have to crucify you...i'll give extra thanks at church sunday...
stop shivering!!!...i'll go to a doctor...if I can show it's a medical condition and not me i'll be saved...please, please, please diagnose something...I can't stand having something I can't control in my life...the stress is mind breaking...i'm not the person I used to be...i don't believe anymore...I can't afford a second public breakdown...they'll be on to me I never actually recovered from the first one...that's funny, I said the same thing about the economy never really recovered from the meltdown...was I talking about me?...
why is time not moving?...I sleep with my captor...I didn't go to college just to find a husband like those other girls...I despised them...it just happened to work out that way I got one...I wanted to be a success so badly!...I wanted to show the world!...I wanted show I was a success before I succeeded...then...I never bothered to succeed...I just kept up the act...susan said it's ok to be a fraud as long as you know you're a fraud...but she drinks like a fish...
now i'm nobody...pretending...I feel the cold!...you can't do this to me, god!...you can't take my life like this!...what do a few lies matter?...everyone does it...now i'm shaking!!...this is a nightmare...this can't be happening to me...what can money do?...how can I buy this?...more lifestyle, please...i'm weak, so weak...someone will come along I can't fool...i'll pay them off...how clever I was to leach myself to a wealthy man!...that's my trump card to god...
it's going to get worse, isn't it...soon he'll see the shivers, see how I can't stop, see it's nature's revenge...this is not other people...it's just me...i'm the biggest idiot...I must be to not be making this set up work...why don't I think about love anymore?...love songs bore me...I used to sing along...now I just feel...old...
why doesn't the sun come up and rescue me?...it's like the early days when I was stuck in that office...hours and minutes crawled by like a torturing tortoise...decades later i'm trapped there all over again...can't buy my way out this time...will every night be like this?...just dragging by?...buried alive in darkness?...how can I find a new lie?...i'll be clever again if I do!...I like feeling clever...everyone thinks i'm the shit - when really i'm just shit...that's real success...
maybe this is the beginning of the end...i'll lose my mind to the slow dripping chaos...i'll recede into dementia...i'll be safe there...must be safe...yes, safe above all...always safe for ever and ever...don't ruin it, jesus...don't come back...I know I've asked you to before but now I see I don't...must let me die first...expose the other people after i'm gone...go get them, thy will be done!...just not to me...I never counted anyway...why did I ever think I did?...
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