How To Get That Dream Job!

That's me in a good mood

[Author's note: I'm a convicted felon. I once shot a man in Nacogdoches. He used the forbidden phrase: "Dream job". I told him my dream job was to cap his ass! Therefore I "followed my bliss" just as he had recommended. Seems my bliss was not his bliss. Who knew??

That often makes it difficult for me to get a job. Nervous employers don't like it when I tell them "Everything will be fine just as long as you don't get out of line." Lots of folks need their ass capped in this world - and they know it! It even makes things awkward in everyday conversation.

"Where did you say you shot a man, Harry!?"

"In Nacogdoches," I say. "But I was aiming for his stomach."

"What???"

I get tired of explaining. Anyway, when I saw an article on "Acing the Job Interview" I considered it a must-read and must-share publication.]

Have you ever had this conversation??:

"Hey, you lazy worthless BUM! What in the hell is WRONG with you? OTHER people have jobs. Why can't YOU get one, you NO GOOD piece of shit. You make me SICK! Stop breathing air REAL PEOPLE could be using and START getting your goddam ass to WORK! I don't want to hear any of your SHIT! Now get out the FUCKING DOOR and don't come back until you have a JOB! You HEAR me? I'm gonna SHOOT YOU where you sit you X-Boxing loser FREAK!"

"Yes, mother."

It's a cold, dog-eat-dog world out there. Don't turn your back on anyone! It's open season on the unemployed and anything goes! Remember: you're no longer a person, you don't count and all we employed persons secretly wish you would die. But now, I bring hope!

After Moses the Law Giver, there is Brentney Hamilton [the third??] speaking from on high to get you back on the road to redemption (even though you probably don't deserve it after losing your job). But I know what you're thinking: What the hell kind of name is Brentney?? All I can say to that is 'read on':

Acing the Job Interview

While the number of Americans filing for new unemployment has dropped [because why the fuck bother!], and the World Bank projects joblessness rates dipping as low as 7.8 percent by November [can always trust a bank's numbers!], the Bureau of labor Statistics reports at least 12.5 million Americans are still out of work or under-employed ["No, wait! I really do have a degree in McDonalds!"] as recently as April.

The National Center for Education Statistics [All these stats! Maybe I should do that!] has projected what will be 1,781,000 students graduating at the bachelor's degree level this month. [In other words: "Mom and Dad, I'm home - for the next ten years!"] As these students make their initial forays into an already inflexible job market, and and as older workers continue to delay retirement [Die already!], successfully marketing onself during a job interview is more crucial than ever. [Maybe I should hire a PR firm??]

I hear that job interviews for those unwilling to kill their employer can be pretty rough. But our man Brentney rides to the rescue. Here are some helpful hints:

• Schedule your appointment so that it is the first thing on your agenda for the day to ensure you are mentally and emotionally energized.

Love that one! My I-Ought-To-Kill-You-For-Peggy-Harding-Dumping-Me-In-12th-Grade look is never more pronounced than when first waking up angry with morning wood I've still got going when I show up for your stupid ass interview. NO, I am not happy to see you!

• Bring a book or magazine to read in the building's lobby or outside, in the event you are more than fifteen minutes early.

Good idea. I'll bring the Anarchist's Cookbook and a Playboy.

• Remember to dress appropriately, erring on the side of conservatism. Should the company turn out to be more conservative than expected, there is simply no remedying a marijuana leaf or lacy corset worn in hopes of proving one's hipness.

I don't know what this dude's problem is but if a hot chick in a lacy corset smoking a joint enters my office she's hired on the spot! As for me, I always show up in a spiked dog collar, black thong and pink pumps. You get some wonderful looks from security that way!

"Which way to Personnel?"

To top it off, our man Brentbaby pulls out the big guns: Harvard Business Review, for the asshole's asshole. So what glorious tips do these soul selling brokers have to offer? They be three for ye!

• Remember to stay relaxed and confident, mirror the body language of your interviewer, when he or she "uses open body language - leaning in toward you or keeping her arms open - do the same.".

Believe it or not, the bolding is not actually mine. But yes, when they pick their nose, you pick yours! When he scratches his crotch, you scratch yours! And when the interviewer farts - well, you get the idea. Actually, kinda wish I had thought this up on my own. Could drive the bastards crazy with that!

• Find common interests with your interviewer, ideally work-related ones that express your values and work ethic.

Man, have I got a home run waiting for someone who likes to surf for porn on company time and masturbate in the bathroom! High five!

• Prepare a few answers ahead of time - especially if there are unaccounted gaps in your work history [like doing 3-5 years in the state pen] or other potential red flags on your resume, and tell stories with a moral.

By God, I got that last one down! Moral of the story, motherfucker, is I'm going to cap your ass if you don't hire me! Say hello to my little friend!

I'm telling ya, folks, please please print off copies of Brentman's fine work here and we'll solve this dang unemployment problem in no time!