Why Should I?

"Why should I?"

She looked longingly at the phone in a completely silent house. Her husband Joe had gone off to another out of town seminar, both the kids were tied up with school activities and she was left free as a bird - something she both craved and avoided. The feeling reminded of her when she was a teenager coming home from school before her parents got back from work. What a wonderful window of freedom that was! The safety of a home but none of the chains.

She'd been having a lot of teenage feelings lately, making her wonder who she was. She had no doubt as to why: it was her coworker Robert. The more she talked with him the more she wanted to talk with him. The vacuums in her life were at last gratefully and joyously fulfilled. But like any vacuum finally exposed, the air is drawn into it in an uncontrollable fashion. And she too was reeling out of control, old desires enflamed anew.

But was it real? Were her feelings real? Was life real? The only thing she knew for sure was real was her marriage contract; signed, sealed and delivered - just as she was. Could she really be the person she felt she was when she was around him? "How would he react if I call him? Would he be as excited as I am? Is this his fantasy too? I so want to live!"

But why do what she wanted? She'd built her life on not doing what she wanted - in the hopes that guaranteed her having what she wanted. But is life's promise true? At this point in her life that seemed pretty farfetched, the daydreams of children. And yet...she sat frozen by the phone, nervous and excited, hesitating because she was lost. What an incredible feeling! As if her entire life depended on making that one call; every fear, hope and dream wrapped up into one.

But why risk it? Why risk her marriage and family? Why risk anything when you have everything? If she could have things her way, she'd stay in this moment forever, sitting in one world while on the edge of another. But the second world slipped away with every passing tick. Deep inside she buried the voice of the question that bothered her the most: What's the risk of not calling?

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The knock at the hotel door sprang his heart to life. Anticipation, expectation, ejaculation - he had it all planned. Sweet release, thank God Almighty! The fantasies boiling inside him for so many years had finally come to a head. His burning imagination had been stifled and suffocated as he browsed through ad after ad of women without sexual prejudice. The secret compartments he kept from his wife kept his marriage aloft but they were also retaining water, sinking his ship. This situation must be addressed!

Walking on air, he answered the door and the beauty did not disappoint. Briefly he thought about all the Bible passages on adultery to which he had been so proud to proclaim fidelity. But he'd always wanted a Latina girl and her picture struck him like a thunderbolt. He rationalized he was doing it for the benefit of his marriage, that if he could satisfy himself with her he'd not have to look for it with his wife anymore. Yeah, that's the story!

She smiled with her flowing black hair tossed provocatively to one side. From top to bottom he saw nothing but elation. And then she spoke. "Hello, Joe. I hear you've been a bad boy." Yes, she's perfect! She understands! No long drawn out conversations reasoning out the whys and wherefores that could drain him of desire. She accepted him as he was, right then and there. Suddenly, his wife seemed like an ogre of the worst sort, dark and judgemental, waiting with a bloody axe lest he step a foot out of line.

The Latina humiliated and punished him to perfect arousal, making a full confession of his life. Though aching to do so, he didn't want to climax and end the experience. If he could have things his way, he'd stay in that room with her forever, exalting in one world while living in another. But soon he'd drop from this high orbit and painfully crash back to earth with melted wings. If only life could be lived!

Afterwards, she finished the service with her newbie client so clearly aching for a parting conversation. She'd heard a thousand variations of it over the years. Stupid men trapped in lies of false morality and undeserved social status. She wondered what would happen if somehow magically the view from her little corner of the world could be made known to everyone. How would anyone be able to keep up their lies then?

She knew that was the true reason her profession was outlawed. She read on her client's face the dawning of realization he'd stepped outside the lines of both the law and proper public behavior. And that it felt good. She could see part of him still resisting, trying not to get sucked into this new way of life that filled his aching, empty voids. She began with asking the standard question without trying to look bored - though she was - and not be bored by the answer - though she would be.

"Tell my wife? What are you, nuts? You don't understand, she's very rigid. She can't do anything her parents don't approve of. Could you imagine trying to talk about my being spanked in front of her parents!"

"Would you like that?"

"Yes, I would now I think about it! How liberating! Could you imagine the look on their faces!"

"Then do it."

"No, no. I couldn't do that to them. They'd probably have a heart attack or something. I just gotta keep it all inside and not let anybody know. You're a godsend. You're not like them. God, I admire you."

Yeah, yeah. She'd heard it all before. None of these losers ever wants to fess up. She'd bet a month's salary his wife would love every minute of spanking his ass raw and putting him in the corner. Who are these people who always have to pretend to be perfect? It had taken him over 40 years to finally reach out. But he had a long, long way to go.

"So what are you going to do? Wait until another seminar comes before you can live?"

"No, I can see now I won't be able to wait that long. I'll need to see someone when I get back home."

"You realize of course sooner or later your wife will find out. You should go ahead and tell her what you want."

"Why should I? She could never be like you. She's a dead fish without hope of changing."

The woman of the world suspected otherwise. "You'd better hope you're right. Otherwise you're throwing away your life for no reason."

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"Honey," asked the wife of her famous husband, "whatever happened with that horrible report of the boy raped in the stadium locker room shower?"

He didn't bother to look up from the paper. Why should he for a matter dealt with and long dismissed from his mind? "Oh, I'm sure it was dealt with in the proper manner after I reported it."

"You mean you didn't follow up on it?"

"Why should I?"

The elderly woman paused, trained by a lifetime of spousal worship. She wanted to believe his soothing words - she meant to believe his assuring words - but deep inside the gears spit their teeth, snapping her well oiled machinery running to perfection for so many decades. Why now? How could this happen after all this time? Had she spent her whole life running away?

***

College football is mixture of fervent religion and high powered business. Mixing the two together creates a toxic cocktail that seduces both the heart and the mind. With its holy facade cherished and beloved by so many, it can very easily be sold as something it is not: a pure endeavor. The imagery of the noble college athlete is a powerful one: a good and hearty soul who uses his physical prowess to benefit his intellectual capabilities thanks to a college benefactor creating a win/win scenario for everyone.

Well, it's lovely to think so anyway.

The truth is, everyone uses and gets used in a system rife with corruption. The Big Lie is one's athletic graduation rate signifies a moral indicator of one's fidelity to truth and honesty. Do that, and you cannot be questioned in a world of hypocrites. Better yet, you then don't need to share revenues (to make an honest game of it) with the athletes you mercilessly exploit with busy game, practice and conditioning schedules. No, like a tape worm left unchecked, the lie lives on inside hollowing out all who let it live.

***

As a legendary college football coach, his graduation rate far exceeded the norm, proving his integrity towards winning. He was not a sellout looking for game day victories above all else but rather one who kept his bearings and perspective in line. As proof the system worked, he was often pointed to as an example of all that's right in the world of collegiate sports. See? One can maintain one's integrity and still win!

And he too fell in love with - and became possessed by - this same manufactured image.

As time passed, to be called the "moral man" pressured him further down the road of living up to this image regardless of cost. Then one day, this 84 year old man after a lifetime of praise found himself ripped of his false face as he tried to float by on the support of hardliners holding on to his old image.

After hearing of his assistant coach raping a ten year old boy, he chose to close his eyes. After maintaining his image by reporting the molestation to the university administration, he quickly retired the affair in his mind in the secret hopes the administrators also would hold faith with keeping the moral image alive. His bet paid off. The story was stifled and kept in house with no outside reporting. Whew!

Two Penn State officials, Senior Vice President Gary Schultz and Athletic Director Tim Curley, surrendered on charges that they failed to alert police to the complaint about [alleged child rapist] Sandusky.

Schultz and Curley are also charged with lying to the state grand jury that indicted Sandusky. Both stepped down from their posts Sunday, Curley taking a temporary leave and Schultz retiring. They appeared Monday in a Harrisburg courtroom, where a judge set bail at $75,000.

State police Commissioner Frank Noonan said that although [Penn State coach] Paterno may have met his legal requirement to report suspected abuse by Sandusky, “somebody has to question about what I would consider the moral requirements for a human being that knows of sexual things that are taking place with a child.”

He added: “I think you have the moral responsibility, anyone. Not whether you’re a football coach or a university president or the guy sweeping the building. I think you have a moral responsibility to call us.”

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It's never easy facing the truth. But the truth is still love.