Perfection!
In a house clean as a laboratory, displayed as well as a fine museum and manicured down to the last detail we find a family gathering for their nightly meal. The food is gladly prepared and mannered well upon their plates. It is the scene of the All-American family awash in guiltless pleasure and soulful success, living the life God intended.
The responsible father and nurturing mother speak fondly to their children as the hearty American bounty is passed around the table.
"Wally, can't you pull that needle out of your arm before you come to the table? You'll spoil everyone's appetite."
"Yes, dear, you don't want to ruin dinner for us, do you? The hell you put us through!"
"Geez, Mom and Dad, with parents like you it's hard not to stay strung out all the time."
"Yes, son, but we hope you'd have the good decency not to show your addiction at the table where your mother has fixed us a very excellent meal. We'd appreciate you burying your problems for just a little bit at our designated family time. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?"
"Ok, ok! But what about the Beav?? I saw him whacking off before he came down to dinner and he didn't even wash his hand!"
"Beaver Cleaver! Don't you ever touch that again! I know why you're doing it you perverted little boy and if I ever hear of it again you can just find another house to live in!"
"I'm sorry, Mom! It was the first time ever, I swear! I won't do it again ever! I'm very bad!"
"Beaver, I hope you'll listen to your mother on this you little bastard shit or I will belt the sex right out of you if I have to."
"Gosh, Dad, don't be so hard on the Beav. Mary Jane Pitman wore her slut pants to school Monday and he's been whacking off all week."
"Shut up, Wally! I only want to be her nice, well-behaved friend is all!"
"Sure, Beav, you just want to friend her with your pants down."
"Settle down, boys! We'll have no more talk like this. I'm sure Beaver will behave himself and avoid the beatings I so dearly want to take out on him. And you, Wally, what about our talk about finding an unjust war for you to fight in?"
"I dunno, Dad. I think I'd have a better chance of keeping my soul as a heroin addict."
"War would make a man of you! Straighten you out! Do my job for me."
"And Wally, I think you would look simply smashing in a uniform! Just think what my friends would say. And suppose you got hurt and won a medal!"
"I don't know, Mom... What do they say now when you tell them how Dad can't get it up and has to hide girly magazines under the mattress? That 'Girls of the Big 12' issue gave me a hard-on for a month!"
"It's talk like that why you should be in the Army so you can learn some respect for bullshit! Don't hear our fine fighting boys talking like that. No, sir! They have discipline and lie responsibly. You'll never make anything of yourself without self-respect."
"Is Dad through with that girly magazine?"
"Shut up, Beaver. I'm going to get you for touching yourself. And I'm going to have to tell our priest on Sunday what a nasty, filthy little boy I have!"
"But Mom, I saw him stick his finger down Mary Jane Pitman's ass crack she shows when she wears her slut pants."
"I'll have no more honest reporting like that out of you, Beaver. No one likes a narc, kids. The truth is what we say it is and nothing more. If I tell you black is white and white is black, you're to believe me!"
"Gee, Dad, only a real bastard would say something like that. I thought we killed Hitler to get rid of people like that."
"Wally, you apologize to your father right now! You know he's not Hitler. He hasn't killed anywhere near six million Jews."
"I dunno, Mom. He sure talks like a monster. What am I supposed to think?"
"Your father knows what's best for you. You're to blindly obey him, never question his decisions and stick by him no matter how godawful or worthless you may feel. Even if he slaps you with a steak because you overcooked it, you must defer to him for the good of the family and for God."
"Aw, Mom, just because you want to be his bitch doesn't mean the rest of us do. We all hear you barking in the middle of the night. Is that why you put a lock on your door?"
"Wally, I told you during our big talk those were natural sleeping noises. You just won't listen, will you? Now do you see why you're to believe everything I say unconditionally?"
"Sure do now, Dad."
"Me too, Dad!"
"Oh, I'm so proud of the both of you. See what happens when you just try a little? Don't listen to those corrupt teachers who tell you trust and openness are the way to raise a family. We're doing just fine, aren't we, Ward?"
"Yes, June, I think you can say we're raising two fine boys here that reflect well on both of us and no one can question neither our morality nor our lies. I hereby declare us perfect!" The proud father beamed at both his children in bribing admiration. "Well boys, what do you think of that?"
"We talked it over, Dad, and both the Beav and I think you're a complete asshole and Mom's an emotional cripple too afraid to stand on her own two feet and you guys got this really sick relationship you want to hide from the world and you resent us for seeing through it and knowing the truth."
The good father paused. "I'm going to tell you something, Wally. I'm going to tell you this one time and you better get this through your thick head: when you get to be my age, you're going to be just as big an asshole as I am and you know what your going to do then? You're going to say what a great father I was, and how I was really a lot smarter than you gave me credit for and thank me for the way I raised you."
"Wanna bet, motherfucker?"
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