Scared, Little Rabbits in the Night

I don't know why. Maybe it's my affinity for bad weather but I'm shelterless tonight. I'm hiding down by the railroad tracks. The rails are shiny from the rain with the glare of distant lights. I feel so remote here. I rub my hand on the wet, wooden tie and for it comforts me. I guess at times I fear nothing is real anymore...

I've learned just to go with feelings that sometimes come with evening's darkness. Right now, a cool, blustery wind feels more at home than any shelter could. True, I could be interrupted at any time, but for now I own this piece of real estate. And since I am my own landlord, crying here is not a sin...

The woe-some whistle of the passing train rings in my ears. I wish I could answer it back, tell it how much its lonesome call means to me. Those men aboard the train have a purpose. I do not. If I could melt right here, turn into a rock and provide a tiny bit of support to the mighty rails I think I'd be forever happy. I'd have found my place, my home...

But my wishes are just wishes and I'm stuck being the scared, little rabbit in the night. I had to piss three times in the last hour; my nerves are shot. I'd love to lay my head on this railroad tie and sleep till I needed sleep no more. But there's always a man saying, "You can't do that!" I am Jean Valjean and Javert dogs my every step. But this wind upon my face is free. Not even Javert can arrest the wind...

On the run. I've always been on the run since I decided to live a lie. Freedom lies in a place I have yet to imagine. I want to be on the mountain with Moses, safe in God's bosom. In no place of man's making do I feel safe. I've seen what happens to those people hiding in their fortresses, becoming brittle and frail, peering out through windows like scared, little rabbits in the night...

Is it wrong to seek a place of no strings? I have seen those who take a genuine interest in the homeless and their reward shall be great. They feed not only us, but the soul of God. I smell something in the air. Maybe it's industrial or the plants growing wild by this section of track but it sustains me in a curious way. I think back to the dreams and visions and myths of my youth when all things seemed possible. I never doubted a legendary life was before me. And right now, I can smell it, I can sense it once more and it fills my nostrils with the energy of the universe...

"One little fuck up..."
Moses looked upon the Promised Land with eyes that could never reach it. In this moment I too visit the place God promised me and I thank my Maker. It is beautiful and wonderful and magical and full of life. In this place the Light is always shining on dreams meant to be. I'm seeing the life unlived in me. Does this happen to others? Is this why I see so many other scared, little rabbits?

The wind, it blows colder...