Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Trump Says Earth Is Flat, Leftists Lose Again

HATEVILLE (AP) In what some are calling the "most outrageous act yet" and a "new low" for the President, a tweet denoting the earth to be flat was released by the President today to "rile the fake news round-earthers." Trump supporters were quick to latch onto this latest missive stating it to be "one more indication of this President's challenging of the status quo with his single-minded devotion to the truth", as one Twitter follower crowed.

Media pundits quickly decried the statement as an "obvious play to his base using his baselessness." One was so flustered as to call Trump's supporters "mentally indigent." Organic grocery stores, fine wine shops, and bookstores emptied out in the aftermath as leftist bloggers posted furiously to "set the record straight once and for all the earth is round." The bloggers denoted their posts with #resistance to push back against what they see as an ill-conceived agenda being waged by the President and no one can know that without their guidance.

Many leftist bloggers were self-congratulatory on their presentation of overwhelming evidence "dating back to Columbus." Trump supporters, who prefer to be called Trumpanzees, were quick to refute the evidence as "fake news." "Columbus was a slave trader! You're going to take his word?? I thought all those leftists hated slavery! #leftisthypocrisy!" Trumpanzees also claimed the photographic evidence offered had been doctored and that they refused to be fooled by "lying libtards." That only set off a new round of competing posts with no end in sight.

Trumpanzees claim outrage over a lifetime spent "under the tyranny of facts" and of "a cruel oppression by reality." "Facts aren't facts," fumed one. "We're waging jihad on facts and our President is leading the way! I just love how it pisses off the libtards and media eleet!" When asked how he knew which media was elitist the Trumpanzee explained it was anyone who could correctly spell elite. This echoes a stance by the President who previously issued a ban on Spelling Bees due to "multiple ways a word can be spelled which the eleet media diabolically refuse to acknowledge! Sadd!"

Trump claims his actions are "uniting the country like never before" and that the firestorm set off by his tweet "is a good use of people's time." Some say this is part of a larger political strategy on the President's part as he proposes the largest tax cut in history which he says will resolve the national debt. Many, however, point out that to be a contradiction but the President refuted that. "Mathematicians and scientists only oppose me because of their left-wing ideology. I'm right and they can't stand it! I'm being attacked and crucified same as Jesus because I am fighting for the same things he did."

The President's claim to divinity set off a new round of contentious posts and columns tossing the country into continuing chaos. Pundits claim Trump and the Trumpanzees simply have chaos as their goal and nothing more, saying the chaos invites opportunity to spread corruption into as many lives as possible. When the President asked if he's going to repent his destructive actions he doubled downed by promising his next tweet is to be about how the sun revolves around the earth. "Tweeting beats the shit out of having to do something real."


Tensions were high at the college football matchup between UT and Texas A & M. A UT lineman decided to taunt his counterpart as they lined up across from one another at a critical junction in the fourth quarter.

"Hey, doesn't your sister go here at UT?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Thought that was her! I buttfucked her twice last week. Boy, does she like it up the ass!"

The referee's whistle blew as he threw the flag for offsides on the A & M player who launched himself across the line before the snap. Back on the sideline his coach was none too happy.

"What the hell were you doing jumping offsides like that?"

"You shoulda heard what he said about my sister!"

"You moron! You can't react to that shit."

"But coach! I had to do something. Can't just let people say anything."

"Well go 'do something' over there on the bench and decide if you want to keep being a moron. Look at them! The entire UT team is laughing at you. We're here to win. Morons never win, ya moron. Let it go."

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