Saturday, January 21, 2017
Crashing The (Papal) Pearly Gates
"OK, here I am, come to claim my just reward!"
St. Peter sighed. "Yes, so does everyone. Name, please."
"It's me! The Pope! Top God guy on earth."
"I'm afraid you'll need to be more specific."
"How can you not know me?? Pope John Paul Jones. I secretly named myself after the greatly underrated Led Zeppelin bassist. I'm a huge Zep fan but I repressed it for the greater glory of God. How moral is that! Setting the example for all those impressionable young minds."
"Frankly, I don't know what a "Pope" is."
"I'm God's top representative on Earth!"
"God shows no record of this."
"There must be some mistake. People voted on me. And they were God guys too!"
"I'm not seeing where God voted for you."
"You don't understand. I had millions of followers. They came from around the world to hear what I had to say. I was spreading the Word!"
"You were spreading something..." St. Peter inwardly laughed at his own inside joke.
"If only I had my robes and giant hat. What about all the souls I converted?"
"With no record of your own salvation, how could you save others? I'm sorry. I'm just not finding any valid evidence here for you to enter Heaven."
"But I devoted my life to God!!"
"So say you. I can only go by what I see. Your only redeeming quality was being a Zeppelin fan and, as you say, you foolishly repressed that."
"I did that for God, godammit! Get God's ass out here! We need to get this straightened out!"
"I am God's representative here."
"Bullshit! No one can speak for God but God, you judgmental jerk!"
"No word I speak is my own. They flow directly from Him."
"But how can God not know who the Pope is!"
"God is not responsible for you making up some sort of fairy tale declaring yourself His emissary or whatever. Only the truth shows up for me to evaluate. What other possible criteria could I use?"
"I get it. This is some sort of test of my faith. Well, sir, I've been a man of faith all my life. I am but truth's humble servant. Thousands of news articles have been written about me and my honest preachings. I'm not about to abandon my faith - now or ever!"
"I'm here to tell you that if there truly is no evidence of my sincere devotion, then pull that lever now! For I -"
The lever popped back into place, poor ol' St. Pete shaking his head. "It's just shocking the number of people who demand I do that! I just said there's no evidence he should enter, not that he couldn't."