Wednesday, March 02, 2016

It's All Connected

I'm dying - but I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong. The fact that others are dying does me no good whatsoever. The fact that I've cut myself off from love and Emily is too devastating to even think about. The roosters have started coming home to roost. Suicide bubbles up to the surface yet again. Up to this point, a pine box is the only solution God has to offer. Damn, that's harsh. Really harsh.

"Where failure brings ruin - and success even more."

I've run out of ways to survive. Time does that to you if you never find your place. I've been up against it staring down the barrel of a gun for the longest time. Had I blessed fatal black capsule I would be dead now. It's only the troublesome logistics of suicide that prevents me. Emily was my last chance, there can be nothing after that. Now vultures from hell come plucking my soul in a living death. I'm helpless to stop them.

This should be good news what I'm about to say but in harrowing dilemma I've found out it's not. One of my various means of ways of scraping out a living is helping this guy with his water vending business. He takes great pride in this venture he's had for over a decade. Now it can be mine. There's a catch, of course. I have to pay it off through sweat equity, i.e. no money for about four to five years. After that I have a source of income that does not require the usual self-immolation of an ordinary job. Worst part is I'll now have two jobs instead of one even if it only takes a few hours a week.

Just kill me now.

This REALLY isn't me but then neither
has been anything else I've ever done

You see, part of my self-expression (and hope to end the suffering) has been my dying, to show I have no future. That is me, that is where I am. Now for the first time I'm faced with the possibility of having a way to survive, it's mind-blowing to say the least. This is where the vultures come in as I lose a piece of myself in order to remain. Good news is I get to live. Bad news is I live for no reason. And if somehow I am successful in making it to the end, I'll be even more submerged in my nightmare.

I don't want to do any of this. I want to be left alone. I fear there will be nothing left of me after grilling myself for so many years. I'm already tapped out. I may even have to stop writing. Writing is a luxury that costs me more than anyone understands. God gives no quarter to unfunded creativity. To wrap up, I've seemingly solved the burden of a looming death only to find it's death after all. Goddam, that's rough. Even making the decision for this was a secret hell.

The owner and I ate at Bubba's Chicken, a favorite of mine by SMU. I've only been in there a few times but once was at the same time as a gaggle of five SMU coeds. Man, it was like something out of the movies to see them in real life. Hot and vibrant beyond belief, a memory you don't forget. But you see, SMU is Emily's world, where she got her law degree, a rich Jewish princess. I never went to college because I'm socially crippled, a cast out.

Before failing with Emily I felt like an outsider visiting the campus for art events or whatever. But now - now I feel I'm a ghost, unable to reach the living world. What opened my eyes - even though it's still very much only a possibility - was facing a life that didn't hold financial failure in my future. I told myself what separated me from the them was my lack of money to exist in their world. Now I understand I can't buy my way in. All the money in the world makes no difference whatsoever.

"As if goodness' heart he could borrow!"

That line from Childe Harry turned out to be prophetic. Buy or borrow it's all the same. If I thought I had Emily's friendship I'd own that campus. I'd walk around with head held high wholly unconcerned with anyone's thoughts or opinions. Instead, I gave into the part of me that said I didn't deserve that - then proceeded to prove it in the worst way possible. The idiocy of it boggles the mind. Oh wait, I digress. Point is, the vending owner discussed his "exciting" offer to me in a place where I was completely dying on the inside, discovering how truly hollow my life is for the first time, feigning a smile all the while.

I really do just want to die. This has been a hope of mine for quite a while. Now that possible success is realized I understand the totality of my doom. Every fiber of my being says not to accept it. On the other hand every fiber of my being says not to go to my soul-killing job. I suppose these are the things that happen to a loveless, lightless life. I gave up on life very young, why are you idiots dying?

Our choices for President are the reincarnation of Caligula and Cinderella's evil step-mother. Neither one is any sort of caretaker. But we're angry at ourselves for cheating ourselves out of the life we deserve (like moi). Blame anything - just don't blame greed. That's seems to be our holy mantra. Just as I'm forced to accept the false salvation of this business offer, so too do I see a country facing the same false choice. No way to win; yes or no, say or don't say, every road leads to hell.

I also read a Robert Reich article at HuffPo where makes this well-reasoned argument for enlightened self-interest of spreading wealth as he watches the obvious disintegration going on during this election process. We can only hide our true face for so long. What Robert doesn't get is that Wall Street is just as nihilistic as ISIS in the East. No one believes there's a solution because no one believes we're going to give up our greed here in the West. Though rarely admitted, we all know there' no future in that. So the current mentality is to grab what you can before it's all gone.

All this time I've been lying to myself about so many things. Had to pretend I had a future to keep the monsters from dragging me away. What a great piece of propaganda it is this business offer. I could get many sorts of false kudos for it, just like watching those jack-asses on TV celebrating their election "victory" over sanity, just like watching ISIS psychopaths use Allah's name in vain with each conquered territory. So tell me, do you have a future? If so, it certainly doesn't come from the outside. And God help you if you're empty on the inside like I am, left with nowhere to turn.

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