Saturday, August 29, 2015

Gross Pointe Harry

Still don't get it, do you? I simply couldn't face you.

My Maker I can face. That Entity has been far less kind to me than you were.

Now I'm forever un-whole in a corporate containment cell.
I want to say Thank You.
Suicide, in any form, is never painless.

There I was, sitting alone behind that goddam computer screen and I realized, finally, for the first time in my life I fully trusted - fully needed - someone. I needed you day and night and forever. I didn't want you to marry, have friends or children, have a job that interested you or any interest outside of me. I wanted your whole life. I figured since I loved you so much I shouldn't see you again.

Then I broke down and disintegrated. As expected. The life force drained out of me, finding myself sitting entranced in an alley watching a dumpster on fire. I've never been a part of anything really. What was I going say? "I ate out of a trash can last night. Care for an evening out?"

I wasn't exactly raised in a loving environment, no trust at all. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. My soul was empty, it was up to me to fill it. I didn't want you to know I hadn't.

My life is a festival of humiliation. I was looking for some validation in my writing but I guess I came up short. So I do horrible jobs to degrade myself. I can give lots of bullshit reasons why but really you're encouraged to do it, you're trained do it and get to like it.

Then I saw this abandoned kitten crying and it killed me and I realized we're all abandoned children in this world connected to all living things. I've been having recurring nightmares of futility five times a week for years. Who sleeps well on an exposed park bench? I'm more than mildly sprained.

So I'm asking you to take a deep breath and realize: this is me dying. I know what I do isn't exactly moral, per se. I can't ask you to forgive and forget and just accept. I can get the hell out of town - but I've nowhere to go without you. Hollow pointe wound care is all I see on the menu.

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