President Obama in his role as Commander-in-Chief revealed today sweeping new changes in military outfitting. "I feel in my last two years I have an opportunity to make some real symbolic gestures that have no meaning. Knowing full well my decisions will be either wholly rejected or reversed upon my leaving office by our new Republican overlords, I'm finally free to pretend I'm the liberal I always posed myself to be."
Obamabots were doing a self-proclaimed "victory lap". "See? Now you're getting the real Obama, the liberal lion! Our delusions have come true at last. We're going to fix the world!" This did little to stem the controversy of the new military gear. The most common words to be applied were "inappropriate" and "obscene". However, the president stood firm in his stance.
"I have heard your criticisms: that I lack backbone and honest conviction. It has been said I'm a closet Republican and their bitch. Because I know these things to be true I must desperately provide a smokescreen on my way out the door that proves - at least to the uninformed, self-deceived and simple-minded - I truly am a martyred savior crucified by unreasonable liberals who failed to see the necessity of their crucifixion. So with much pride, I present the outstanding new uniform for our military heroes stabilizing the world!"
"Outrageous!" "Shocking!" "Immoral!" No issue has polarized the American public like this since Watergate. NSA abuses, wage slavery, assassination squads - nothing has generated the sort of debate this decision has despite there being no changes in the actual use of military personnel. This reporter was dispatched to get to the bottom of the situation.
"I was so proud when my son joined up," cried one Texas mother. "But now he looks like the biggest queer since Liberace. I just can't understand this sort of decision. My son is a good boy - at least he used to be! Oh, the horror!"
"My boy is stationed in Korea - and everyone knows Korea is full of faggots!" asserted a concerned father from Alabama. "I won't have him be chased down the street by a bunch a faggots with their peckers out. One thing I'd like to know: who's gonna respect us now when we goes to invadin' countries? Answer me that!"
"It's bad, I tell you! Just bad!" wept a suburban woman with no family members in the military.
"Can you tell me why it's bad, ma'am?"
"Just look at it! You have to be wearing the proper clothing when killing and maiming."
"And just how can you determine what is proper clothing?"
"It's like art: I know it when I see it. But this strips us of our moral authority! It's not proper to be taking human life wearing a thong, for God's sake! I can't believe anyone has to be told that."
Fears were not allayed by the President's statement that camouflage versions would be issued as a matter of combat practicality. "After all, I am the adult in the room," he sniffed. Even black rappers, known to prominently display thongs in their videos were not in agreement. "It just ain't right! It just ain't right! Looking like girls our boys can't fight!" But some have deferred to the President on this decision.
How to put the actual fear of God into the Israeli military
"The President has secret special knowledge we don't. I can't really say if it's right or wrong."
"I think it's a brilliant ploy to outrage Muslims. I'm drawing Mohammed in a thong as we speak!"
A woman with a life actually gave approval. "Oh, I think it's hot! They should have done this years ago. It's not like the military makes us safe, anyway."
Females in the military are exempt from the new rule as the President wanted to avoid the appearance of sexism, which brought widespread support from self-declared feminists. "It's about damn time we started exploiting men. I'm sick and tired of males exploiting us because we're too stupid to know to keep our clothes on."
Conservative commentators, though expressing the loudest outrage, also crowed in vindication. "I told you, folks! I've been telling you this for years this is the kind of man we're dealing with. This man is just as much a latent homosexual as I am!"
Heady with the success of at least appearing to have backbone, the President will be announcing a furthering of this policy tomorrow. "Six years of exposure as a coward has dictated I don't go down in history as the conservative Judas I am. I am a brave soul, heedless of criticism due to the courage of my convictions. Starting next week all federal judges will preside in nothing but a thong too! Justice is blind!"
Declared NOT obscene
One man summed up the feelings of the crowd I interviewed. "It's just not right. It isn't right to be killing in a thong and it's not right sending people to jail in a thong. When we're doing bad stuff like that, we've got to cover our ass!"