Saturday, January 24, 2015

High Anxiety: Calling Doctor DareKill

"Wow, you sure you're at rest?"

"I'm at rest as I can be. I know I can feel my heart pounding."

"That's an understatement. It's at 120. I've seen race car drivers with slower heart rates - while racing!"

"They've got it easier than I do."

"I'll have to take your word on that. Let's check your blood pressure."

"You know the Chinese believe in looking at the whole picture, the spirit as well as the body."

"No one ever patented a pill for your spirit. Wow, blood pressure sky high too."

"I'm just saying I'm more than a mere physical machine."

"Believe as you wish. My major was in medicine, not philosophy."

"Believing I'm only physical is philosophy too."

"You don't want to move to China, do you? Relax, I'm sticking with the accepted doctrines of the West if you don't mind - and even if you do."

"Witch burning was an accepted doctrine once too. Isn't it good to practice some independent thought?"

"Not when it threatens my Porsche payment. Plus, I could get sued if I ever deviate."

"But if everyone stays only with what's accepted and never questions, how can we ever advance?"

"That's for others to decide not me."

"That's what they say too. Life is more than what insurance companies say."

"Now that's a radical attitude! If you want to eat and live indoors, that is."

"It's just that I got a lot of things bothering me and I think it's affecting me physically."

"I can't fix your conscience. And besides, it's probably a chemical imbalance."

"An imbalance caused by my agitation?"

"I'd say it's the other way around. What you need is a pill to smooth out the highs and lows and stop feeling what you're feeling."

"That's really an answer?"

"Sure, with this racing heart of yours and chemically imbalanced state you'll have a difficult time functioning as a normal person. I'm here to get you to appear normal and be socialized as if everything's fine."

"But everything is not fine!"

"Duh, you haven't taken any drugs yet. Leave it to the professionals. This is what I've been trained to do. Any other doctor who wants to continue his practice would do exactly the same. Medical school cost me a fortune and I'm charging a fortune. No one could get away with that unless we were in the right."

"Yes, you're definitely in the money."

"And that means in the right! In a week or so we'll get your blood work back. I'll know what pill to give you and you'll be right as rain as far as anyone knows."

"Ok, doc, I guess I don't have much choice. I'm scared all the time! I can't stop it! I don't know what's wrong with me!"

The doctor walked away to confer with his assistant. When far enough away not to be heard, he shook his head. "What that boy needs is a slap upside the head, knock the whining right out of him! I hate these head cases. You hear him out there questioning me? Don't want my help then go ahead and jump off. See where that gets ya. You want your damn spirit fixed, then go chant something. I'm here to deal in reality!"

"Hey, doc, one more question please!" yelled out his patient.

The doctor sighed, half-debating to not even answer. "Yes, what is it?" he replied in the most annoyed tone he could muster.

"Do you think my perpetually standing on a slim ledge thirty stories up in a high wind is having any effect on my health?"

"How should I know? I told you: I'm a scientific doctor not a witch doctor."

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