Saturday, September 07, 2013

(N)ightmare (S)upremicist (A)yatollahs

Another day of boring data at NSA headquarters. Even tracking your wife and girlfriend can get old after a while. Soon, one starts to wonder how relevant one actually is. But then again, relevancy is in the eye of the beholder.

"Find me five people and shoot them!"

"What for?"

"The usual charges. Things are getting lax around here, the populace is getting complacent. Need to keep things stirred up! Know what I mean, Vern?"

"Ha! Ernest goes to camp! I love it! OK, I'll warm up the firing squad. God bless national security! It sure is fun."


Would rather be Miley Cyrus' houseboy

"Giggle! This is so cool pretending to be serious adults!"

"Grow up and put on your ski mask and Batman utility belt."

"We are so bad ass! OJ got nothin' on this boy!"

"Remember: look angry at all times. The future of the nation depends on us! If just one person suspects you're really some joker who whacks off to Lady Gaga it could endanger the country."

"I just love that look on their face when we snatch them off the street! I get tingly all over - like a prison rapist."

"The idiots deserve it for trusting us. Never give a sucker an even break. Damn, it's great to be an American. We can actually make things better by fucking people!"


Nothing more fun than persecuting
others for your own behavior!

The President sucked his index finger, getting one last taste of the yummy Cheetos dust from his lazy afternoon snack. He was in an urgent state.

"Damn, those things are tasty! Wonder what's in them?"

"You don't want to know, sir. American corporations and all that."

"Right, right. What's that you're handing me there? I have a pressing golf date."

"It's today's kill list, sir!"

"Oh, goody!"

"You're supposed to act reluctant, sir. Only Republicans are allowed to show enjoyment."

"Oh, right, thanks. Must keep our morality! Well, let's see who's a dirty-dog-traitor enemy-of-the-state today!"

Terrible Mother: Refuses to endorse mandatory military service, thereby aiding and abetting the enemy. Questions war.

Honest Businessman: Terrorizing workers by placing environment above jobs. Undercutting the economic system by paying a living wage.

Homeless Heretic: Failing to worship the almighty dollar. Failing to be happy in a perfect society. Lifestyle is heretic comment of capitalistic religion.

7-11 Muslim: Selling extremist Slurpees. Working near gasoline supply and controlling it. Actively stirring anger by coercing citizens to "upsize".

NSA Leaker: Secretly hates America while pretending to protect it. Abuse of power for personal motives and agenda.

"Outstanding list! Haven't gotten a mom before."

"Your blindly trusted security director who cannot be questioned without raising questions of patriotism thought it time to up the ante, let the American people know that even the most innocuous seeming among us can be an agent of evil. A rallying cry for ratting out everyone, so to speak."

"Oh, brilliant. The paranoia factor will go through the roof. They'll come screaming to us, begging for help."

"The businessman is a good fit because it appeases your anti-corporate base while at the same time appeasing your opponents who hate anyone not acting out of greed."

"My base is a pain in the ass! Rest assured, I bet they still complain. Outrageous!"

"The homeless man reinforces the idea that the less affluent one is the more corrupt and worthless one is, selling out the system in a heartbeat."

"I've never trusted a homeless man! Fuckers don't vote anyway. Where's the responsibility? Good riddance."

"The 7-11 guy is a multi-faceted pick showing it's not just mosques where these guys hang out but ordinary everyday places as well. Also, latest polls show people are sick of being asked to upsize and want revenge."

"Perfect! I'm in the revenge business. Also, make sure he has a real Muslim-y name that's hard to pronounce. That'll make people even more suspicious. Ha, that last one here could be us!"

"Got that covered. In order to show we're keeping our own house in order and not showing favoritism we're going to loudly expose a mole in our security apparatus to build confidence in not only our competence but integrity."

"Can never have too much integrity! Be thinking up some ways we can get some more. Great job! What's the name of the person who came up with this again?"

"Josef Stalin."

"A true American hero!"


This is how we plan to fix the world. Seriously.

The woman kept pleading her case right up until the end of the pointed rifles of justice. "But I have three sons in the military. How can you possibly charge me with not supporting military service?"

"A perfect cover for a traitor! Thought we wouldn't notice, didn't you? Die bitch!"

The businessman faced his final few moments in unrelenting rage. "I voted for that man! I gave him money and helped him passed laws that didn't reform in the name of reform. I sold my soul for that bastard!"

"Should have thought of that before you put a phony in office."

The homeless man's only commentary was to unzip his pants and urinate. This outraged the guards who shot him even before the command to fire.

The manic Muslim pled his case. "But I am good capitalist! I kiss American dollars every night! I love your dog-eat-dog ways. Please, let me live and I promise to prey upon the naïve, weak and gullible."

"That's our job, asshole."

The framed NSA leaker should have known better. "You know it's not true, why are you doing this? I'm one of you!"

"It's a matter of national security. Truth has nothing to do with it. We have to make people feel safe even if they aren't. We're lying for the greater good, dummy."


Don't worry. Winter rules, Mr. President.

A happy, beaming President relaxed with his shoes on the Oval Office desk. "This is hilarious! Just been reading a few blogs here."

"The blogosphere is on fire, sir. Some can barely contain their outrage."

"I see that! Been busting a gut laughing. All this finger wagging at me. Who do they think they are? Did anyone actually figure out the truth?"

"A couple of professional leftists did. But your supporters are duly muddying the waters that they can't possibly know all the facts and trust should be given without reservation."

"Thank God for fear and sycophancy!"

"Indeed, sir. Their illusion of power is nothing compared to our actual power. As long as they fear themselves we need have no fear regardless of the truth."

"The truth? To hell with the truth! The truth is for losers and we're the winners - that's been voted on. So let it be voted, so let it be dreamed true!"

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